Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas. Ok it’s not Christmas, yet, but whatever. I found a good fic to riff which has to do with the festive season so I decided to make this into a (wait for it...)

CHRISTMAS

SPECIAL

Jesus, Santa Clause, This is for you...

************************************************************************************************

[The scene: A large ... cinema, with a front door to the far back to the right. At the front is a large screen, standard with any cinema you care to go to. At the far back in the middle, there is a square hole with a projector pointing through that hole at the screen. Speakers are situated symmetrically around the room. In the middle lie several seats (normal to any cinema) set in several rows across the floor (which is slanted slightly downward towards the screen, by the way), leaving space for two evenly situated isles from the front to the back. A typical cinema ... or is it?]

[ENTER ... COREY!]

Corey: Hmm, only one here. Where is everybody?

... Oh well.

[He sits on one of the seats in the far back row in the middle section]

Corey: ...Guess I’ll have to wait til the movie starts.

[Starts eating his popcorn ... didn’t I mention he had some, well he did!]

:Hurry up, we’ll miss the beginning.

Corey (turning his head towards the door: Huh?

[In comes a guy, 6'0", medium build, black hair, wearing dark blue pants, white shirt and black boots. He also had popcorn and a drink like Corey has (didn’t I mention he had that either ... NOW I HAVE :P)]

Homer: Hurry up!

Corey: Who are you?

Homer: Why, my name is Homer. Who’re you?

Corey: Corey... do I know you?

Homer: I, uh ... don’t think so.

Corey: Who are you waiting for?

Homer: Wha? Oh, my friend, Bohan.

Corey: BOHAN!? What person in their right mind gives someone a name like that!!! ...oh, wait, that was me.

Homer: ...Come again.

Corey: I created you two. Do you know anything about something called a ‘Weird House’?

Homer: Well...yeah, of course I do.

Corey: Well, that’s where I first created you. You were named after Homer Simpson and I gave you the power of donuts.

Homer: Oh, well, how come I can go ‘Super Saiyan’ ... whatever that is?

Corey: I gave you a little extra power to imitate anything you come across. You come across you’re SS abilities on the DBZ Earth in your first adventure with Bohan.

Homer: Oh. How’d you come up with the name Bohan?

Corey: Well, I first thought of you being SSJ Homer, then I took the next person from ‘The Simpsons’, Bart, and fused him with his equivalent person in DBZ, Gohan. Bart + Gohan = Bohan.

Homer: ... Well, that explains a bit.

Bohan: What does?

Homer: Oh, Bohan! It’s about time you got here.

Bohan: I had to carry all this stuff.

[He is carrying Popcorn, a drink, candy, donuts, and lots of other things.]

[Bohan is 5'11" medium-medium small build, black hair, wearing red shirt, blue pants and black boots.]

Homer: Whose fault is that?

Bohan: YOURS, YOU BOUGHT THIS STUFF!!

[Corey clears his throught loudly]

Corey: People, the movie.

Bohan and Homer (or Homer and Bohan, whatever): Oh, right.

[they take adjacent seats left of Corey.]

Bohan: Why’d you tell me to hurry up, the movie hasn’t started yet.

Corey: Not to mention the fact that nobody else is here.

Homer: Hmmm, I dunno. This is strange.

[ten minutes later...]

[Corey glances at his watch]

Corey:...Alright. What’s going on, we’ve been waiting ten minutes, already.

Voice: We have to wait for the fourth child to get here.

Corey:... what are you doing here? And what’s with the fourth child bit, what do you think this is, NGE?

Voice: Ok, the fourth hasn’t arrived yet.

Corey (groaning): Uhhhhh.

Homer: How long do we have to wait?

Voice: Oh, he should be here, right..about...

[Cozza runs in]

Cozza (exhausted): Sorry I’m late, train was delayed.

Corey: ... oh no.

Cozza: What’re you doing here?

Corey: I thought I was seeing a movie I wanted to see... looks like I got more than I bargained for.

Cozza: We’re not ... you know ... are we?

Corey: I have the feeling we are.

Cozza:... CRAP!

Homer: you know what?

Corey: You’ll se soon enough.

[Cozza takes the seat right of Corey]

Voice: Now that everyone’s here...

[The Door slams shut and a clinking sound of locking ... locks is heard]

Corey (depressed): What are we looking at, this time?

Voice: Uhhh [paper rustling] here we go. Enjoy!

[The screen lights up.]

[ENTER...THE FANFIC]

> Note: This story was inspired by the recent 'discussions' regarding New

> Trainers.

Cozza: What ‘discussions’?

> All of this praise for the genre made me think of what exactly

> most New Trainers are comprised of. Read at your own risk!

Corey: Praise, what praise.

Cozza: What do you mean ‘what praise’? They deserve a lot of praise!

Corey: ...I stand by my statement.

> _____________________________________

Homer: Ooh, that was close!

> The New Trainer!

Corey: Or the not-so-old one.

> A Poke‑parody written by Guess Who?

Homer: Do we have to?

> Pokemon and its associated characters

> copyright by Nintendo / Game Freak.

> _____________________________________

Homer: Ow, even closer.

> Blink. Blink. Tom opened his eyes to wakefulness.

Bohan: To what?! That’s stupid!

Corey: And the fic hasn’t really begun yet.

> Sunlight streamed in

> through his bedroom window as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyelids.

> There was something special about today ... what was it again? Suddenly

> he remembered!

> "It's Christmas!" Tom shouted in glee as he jumped out of bed. "I hope

> Santa got me what I wanted!"

Homer: I hope he got him a lump of coal.

Bohan: What if he wanted one.

Homer (shrugging) I dunno. I still hope he gets one.

> Abruptly a chair smashed into the side of his head knocking him to the

> ground and almost unconscious.

Corey: ALMOST?!

Cozza: He’s a new trainer and all, but that’s still impossible.

> "EWWWW! Put some clothes on first Nerd‑boy!" his older sister, Samantha

> said, as she stood by the door to his bedroom. She was brushing her long

> blonde hair with a comb and by the look of her bath‑robe and dampness,

> was just out of the shower.

> Tom burst out crying. "MOOOOOOMMM! Samantha threw the chair at me again!

Cozza: again?

Corey: Ooh, I like her.

> WAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

> <><><>

Homer: Ouch, Those are sharp.

Corey: That’s my line.

Homer: Mine now!

Corey: ...don’t make me hit you.

> Finally Tom sat at the foot of their Christmas tree and was just about to

> open his presents. His eyes got big after he spotted the circular‑shaped

> one with a card attached to it that said, "Merry Christmas, Darling! From

> Santa Claus."

Corey: ... How big?

Homer: Since when does Santa say ‘Darling’?

> His mom was sitting down on the lounge with an all‑too‑innocent look on

> her face. "So what did Santa get you this year, Darling?"

Corey: ‘Darling’? Could you be any more obvious?

> "It's probably a lump of coal," Samantha said as she played around with

> her new cellular phone.

Homer: I hope it is.

> Tom stuck his tongue out at her. "No way! I've been so good this year. He should have got me what I wrote on the list!"

> Samantha rolled her blue eyes. "'Wrote' barely counts. If I hadn't

> translated that list for Mom you probably would have gotten those

> teletubby dolls instead."

Corey: Samantha, how could you?!!

Cozza: What’s wrong with that?

Corey: She should have let him get the teletubby dolls.

> Tom smirked at her. "Fat lot you know! What would Mom have to do with it

> when the list was for Santa Claus?"

Bohan: Gee, I don’t know...

> Samantha stared. "Yeah ... right," she finally said as she went back to

> fiddling with her phone.

> But Tom ignored her as he started to rip the wrapping from the ball‑

> shaped present. Gradually, a red and white metallic and plastic device

> was revealed. "ALRIGHT! A poke‑ball!" he shouted in glee as he stood up

> and pulled a V‑sign with his fingers.

Bohan: Peace.

> "I don't know why you like that Pockymon crap anyway," Samantha said

> snidely. "You're supposed to be in Junior High."

All: In WHAT!?

> "So what did you get, Darling?" his mom said with that still all‑too‑

> obviously‑innocent look to her face.

Corey: So you can get more obvious.

> "Poke‑ball, go!!!" Tom shouted as he threw the ball. Unfortunately his

> grip slipped slightly so the ball was thrown at the wall, whereupon it

> rebounded and cracked him on the forehead, knocking him flat on his

> back, dazed.

All: Yay.

Corey: (Nelson) Ha Ha!

> "You moron," Samantha said without looking.

Corey: I really like her

> As Tom blinked and tried to get up, the ball landed in front of him and

> opened with a flash of red light. A humanoid, purple‑coloured figure

> with feline features and a long thick tail materialised into thin air.

> "I got MEWTWO!!!" Tom said

Cozza: Mewtwo is humanoid?

, striking another pose with the victory sign

> on his fingers.

Bohan: Peace again, my friend.

Homer: He’s a hippy.

Cozza: Or an Ash wannabe.

Corey: Like you, Cozza.

Cozza: Yeah... wait, I AM NOT!!

He looked up at the sky. Or really the ceiling since that

> was in the way. "Thanks, Santa!"

Corey: (‘Santa’) You’re welcome, Darling.

> "You're welcome," his mom said.

Corey: OK, how about I explain the meaning of ‘DISCRETE’ to you, ehh?

> The bipedal pokemon that had just come from the ball sighed. It covered

> its forehead with one hand and a psychic voice that sounded vaguely

> annoyed floated in the air around them. "OH GREAT, NOT ANOTHER NEW

> TRAINER FIC. THIS IS THE FIFTH ONE I'VE BEEN IN THIS MONTH ALONE."

Corey: I feel sorry for you.

> "What's a New Trainer fic?" Tom asked.

Corey: (Road Dogg) OHH, YOU DIDN’T KNOW!

> Mewtwo sighed again. "I DON'T GET PAID ENOUGH FOR THIS."

All: We know how you feel

Voice: ...

> "Back in your ball, Mewtwo!" Tom decided after lifting his poke‑ball to

> shoot a thin red beam at it.

> Mewtwo's eyes glowed yellow and the ball abruptly exploded in Tom's hand

> in a shower of metallic and cheap plastic parts. Tom started crying

> again.

Corey: (Nelson) Ha Ha!

Homer: Stuff the lump of coal, this is much better, he heh!

> "You would have been better off with the teletubbies or the lump of

> coal," Samantha said with a smirk.

Bohan: I agree.

> Tom then let up his crying and was only reduced to sniffles now. "Why

> doesn't Cousin Ash have this kind of trouble with his pokemon?"

Cozza: COUSIN?!!!

> BOOM! A swirling dark vortex erupted into being in the middle of the

> living room! A second later, a boy with spiky black hair underneath a red

> cap worn sideways and in jeans and a black shirt jumped out. He had a

> supremely annoyed look on his face which was matched by the yellow

> electric mouse on his shoulder. "Alright, this New Trainer fic has gone

> on long enough!" the boy said as he shook his head. "Saying that I'm

> related to you was the last straw! How many fanfic cliches are you going

> to use here???"

Cozza (annoyed): Hello to you, too ... cousin Ash... COUSIN?!! WHAT THE HELL?!!!

> Tom looked confused again. "What's a fanfic cliche?"

Corey: (Road Dogg) OHH, YOU DIDN’T KNOW!

> Suddenly another person jumped from out of the vortex. A pretty girl with

> red hair set in a horizontal ponytail and wearing a skimpy yellow shirt

> open at the middle and jeans shorts‑shorts. Upon seeing Tom she whooped

> in delight and ran over to hug him. "Oh TOM! My Darling love! I'm Misty

> from Cerulean City and as soon as I saw you I fell in love!!!" She looked

> like she was going to swoon in delight.

Corey: ...Oohhkaaayyy.

> "Well that's one for starters," Ash said with a hint of barely‑disguised

> disgust as he dragged Misty off him.

Cozza: That’s a cliché, all right.

Corey: And one that’s too common...and I’ve only seen it once.

> "Can I help it if I'm naturally irresistable?"

Corey: Not if you were, but you’re not. And even then...

> Tom said as he brushed his

> hair back with his fingers and tried to look cool. Unfortunately whatever

> effect it was supposed to have was ruined by a chair landing on his head

> with a crash, knocking him silly.

> "Like, in your dreams," Samantha said dryly as she dusted off her hands.

Corey: I think I’m in love.

Cozza (waving a hand in front of Corey) Uhhh, hello, Earth to Corey ... (giving up) oh, well.

> "Now this is your first warning!" Ash said, grunting, as he forcibly

> shoved Misty‑with‑lovehearts‑in‑her‑eyes back into the portal. "If this

> New Trainer fic ends up being too much the same old (CENSORED) I am

> revoking your fanfic liscense and the boys at Nintendo are going to be

> making a short visit..."

Corey:...you need a licence?

> He was about to step back into the portal himself when Mewtwo suddenly

> spoke up with its psychic voice. "NO! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE

> ARE YOU?" it said in a desperate tone.

Corey: How could you be mean to a psychic psychopath?

> Ash paused. "Look, you think I give Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres

> vacations? We all have to do the fics, even the New Trainer ones!"

Corey: (Nelson) Ah Hah!

> "BUT I'M SICK OF HANGING AROUND WITH THOSE GUYS!" Mewtwo pleaded. "ALL WE

> EVER DO ARE NEW TRAINER FICS. WHY CAN'T I DO SOMETHING ELSE FOR ONCE?"

> Sighing, Ash shook his head. "Well you'll just have to cope with it. I

> don't hear the three legendaries complaining do I?"

> "THAT'S COZ THEY CAN'T TALK!"

Cozza: He’s got a point.

> "Details, details," Ash said as he jumped back into the portal. "Don't

> worry, we'll give you a raise when you come back to the real Pokemon

> Universe." The portal squeaked, shrunk to a vertical line which spun

> around and winked out.

All (monotonously): Bye Ash.

> For a moment, everything was silent. Then Mewtwo glanced at Tom still

> lying on the ground dazed with the chair sitting on his head. "IT BETTER

> BE A LOT."

> <><><>

Homer: Aargh, they're back for more.

Corey: You enjoy taking my lines, don’t you?

Homer: (His namesake) yes I certainly do.

[SMACK]

Homer: (ditto) Ohhw.

> "I wonder what my friends, Dick and Harry got for Christmas," Tom said as

> he walked down the old dirt road toward town.

Homer: Tom, Dick and Harry?

Bohan: Can’t they come up with something more original.

Corey: I got a story behind those names.

Cozza: What?

Corey: Trust me, you don’t want to know.

> His new Mewtwo was hovering along behind him with its arms folded and a

> petulant look on its feline face. "OH I REALLY WONDER," it said

> sarcastically.

All (sarcastically): We do too.

> "They better have got something good because later today we have to leave

> for our‑"

> "POKEMON JOURNEY," Mewtwo finished with a tired look on its face.

Cozza: You’re a few years late.

Corey: And Gary thought Ash was late.

Cozza: He wasn’t the only one.

Corey: ...whatever.

> "How did you know that?" Tom asked.

All: Who doesn’t?

> "I HAVE MY SOURCES."

> "Tom, I challenge you to a Pomemon battle!" someone suddenly shouted out.

All: Pomemon?

> Grinning in anticipation, Tom turned to find Nigel, one of his neighbours

> standing at the gate of his house on the side of the road.

Homer: I take it he has no friends.

Corey: That’s my first guess.

> "Sure thing!" Tom struck a pose. "Mewtwo, I chose you!"

> "WHATEVER," Mewtwo said, yawning.

> "That's nothing!" Nigel cried. "Ranma, I chose you!!!" He threw a poke‑

> ball out on to the road whereupon a sixteen year old guy with black hair

> worn in a pigtail and wearing chinese‑style clothing appeared out of it

> looking a bit confused.

Corey: ...who?

> "Where am I?" the pokemon said, scratching its head. "One moment, I'm

> about to sample Akane's Christmas Special when suddenly I'm right here!"

> He paused, brightening. "Wait at least I don't have to eat her cooking

> now!" he said joyously.

Corey: Ranma, you’re still better off somewhere else.

> "OH GREAT, NOW IT'S A CROSSOVER," Mewtwo said.

Corey (sarcastic): Run for your lives

[Bang]

[Homer falls off the door]

Homer: Ow.

> The pokemon‑pigtailed‑guy noticed it and began to stare. His features

> paled as white as snow. "C‑C‑C‑CAT!" he yelled. He began to run away.

Cozza: ...where?

> Nigel chased after him. "Wait, Ranma, get back here! Ranma, do the

> Amaguriken ... RANMA!!!"

Corey: ...uhh, yeah.

> Tom stared after them for a while. "I really don't get this."

All: Neither do we.

> Mewtwo folded its arms. "THATS BECAUSE THIS IS A REALLY CRAP FIC."

Bohan: That’s true.

> <><><>

Homer: Zap, zap, zap. Dang, missed.

Corey (pointing to Cozza): You’re worse than he is!

Homer: I wasn't trying.

Corey(sarcastic and smirking): Uh huh, I believe you.

> "So what did you get?" Tom asked his friend Harry as they stood on the

> porch of his house.

Homer: Lump of coal, I hope.

Bohan: Why?

Homer: He deserves it for being Tom’s friend.

Bohan: ...yeah, I guess so.

> "Check it out, dude!" Harry said as he took three poke‑balls out of his

> pocket.

> "You got three?" Tom said as he looked on eviously. "What are they?"

Cozza: What, only three?

Corey: How many do you have?

Cozza: ... one.

Corey: ... Oh, well, yours are worth five of his.

Cozza: Really?

Corey: ... no, but I decided to try and cheer you up for some reason.

Cozza: Thanks ... I think.

> Mewtwo sighed. "ARTICUNO, ZAPDOS AND MOLTRES."

Cozza: ... you’re kidding.

> "Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres!" Harry shouted in pride as he threw all

> three pokemon out in the air. In flashes of awe‑inspiring light, the

> three legendary birds of Ice, Electricity and Fire erupted outward and

> swooped in the sky in dazzling displays of aerial acrobatics.

> "Totally cool!" Tom said as he watched them in awe.

Cozza: Totally impossible!

> "Yeah, like totally, dude."

> Tom sighed. "You're lucky, I only got a Mewtwo."

Corey: What do you mean only?

Cozza: Mewtwo can beat ‘em easily.

Homer (singing): Gotta beat ‘em all...

Corey and Cozza: Please don’t.

> A chair suddenly appeared out of psychic energy in Mewtwo's hands which

> it just smashed over Tom's head. Tom crumpled to the ground like a

> squashed aluminium can. "SAMANTHA WAS RIGHT, THIS IS PRETTY FUN," it said

> in satisfaction.

Corey: She was wasn’t she...

Cozza: Uh oh, we’re losin’ ‘im.

> Harry recalled his three legendaries back into their balls without even a

> glance at his friend. "Dude, let's go see what Dick got from Santa."

> Tom just groaned in pain.

Corey: He deserved it.

> <><><>

Homer: Ahhh, UFOs.

Bohan: ... nnno.

> "So Dick, what'd ya get?" Tom asked Dick as they all stood on his porch.

> "Yeah, dude, like totally," Harry put in.

> Mewtwo was desperately trying not to burst out laughing as he stared at

> 'Dick'. "THAT'S YOUR FRIEND?"

> "Yeah, Dick's the third guy in our exclusive group," Tom explained.

Corey: Only geeks are allowed in.

> "Like totally," Harry said.

> Mewtwo hovered over to Dick and tapped it with its finger. "BUT THIS IS

> JUST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT," it said with a snort of laughter.

[Everyone falls out of their seats]

> "Don't tease him," Tom said in defence of his friend. "He's just the

> silent type."

[Everyone get’s back into their seats]

Corey: Gee I wonder why...

> "Yeah. Totally Dude," Harry explained.

Bohan: I wish he wouldn’t say that.

> "I'VE HEARD ABOUT CHARACTERS SO FAKE THEY WERE TWO‑DIMENSIONAL BUT THIS

> IS RIDICULOUS," Mewtwo said.

Homer: It is, isn’t it?

> "So what pokemon did he get?" Tom asked.

> Mewtwo studied the cardboard cutout. "THESE MUST BE IT." He ripped off

> the flat round cardboard pokeballs that were attached to 'Dick's' hand.

> "Hey, you ripped off two of Dick's fingers!" Tom said appalled.

> "IT'S ONLY A CARDBOARD CUTOUT!" Mewtwo shouted in exasperated annoyance.

> "NOW HERE, OPEN THE POKE‑BALLS YOURSELF," it said, handing the 'poke‑

> balls' to him.

Corey: You can try...

> "Poke‑ball go!" Tom shouted as he threw them. But the flat discs of

> cardboard just flew away like frisbees until they smashed through the

> window of the house across the street.

> Immediately, old lady Graham exploded out the friont door waving a large

> frying pan. "You little brats come here and take your medicine!"

Corey: Planets do that... wait, old lady? I don’t think he’s an old lady ... of course, I can’t really tell, but I can tell he wouldn’t need a frying pan.

Everyone else: ...

Corey: Don’t ask.

> "Runnnnn!" Tom shouted as he picked up 'Dick' and ran off with the

> cardboard cutout beneath one arm.

Corey: You can’t run from the planet, Grahame.

Cozza: That’s not how it was spelt.

Corey: It could’ve been a typo.

> "Like totally!" Harry agreed as he followed.

Corey: WIPEOUT, DUDE!!

> Mewtwo sighed for the umpteenth time as it began to fly after them. "THAT

> RAISE BETTER BE A REALLY BIG ONE."

Corey: If it’s bigger than Grahame, then you’re rich.

> <><><>

Corey: Ouch! I asked for a close shave, but that’s too close!

> "So what do we do now?" Tom said as leaned against the wall of a shop in

> the middle of town.

> "Like totally," Harry said.

Bohan: If he says ‘totally’ one more time, I’m gonna scream!

Corey: I know how you feel.

> "WEREN'T YOU GOING ON A JOURNEY?" Mewtwo asked as it floated nearby in a

> lotus position checking out chicks as they walked past.

> "Oh, that's right," Tom said, scratching his head. "But I think we're

> supposed to do something here in Fake Town first. Any ideas, Dick?"

Cozza: Fake Town? That explains a lot.

Bohan: Like ‘Dick’ for example.

Corey: And his pokéballs

> "..." the cardboard cutout said.

> "Cool idea, Dick!" Tom suddenly shouted out loud after a few minutes of

> concentration.

> "Totally awesome, dude," Harry encouraged.

Bohan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

> "WHAT DID HE SAY?" Mewtwo asked absentmindedly as it stared raptly at a

> particularly busty blonde walking down the sidewalk.

All: Good Question.

> "He said we should call the Nintendo Helpline," Tom said as he began

> running over to the nearest video‑phone.

Corey: You can try...

> <><><>

Corey: I’ve had enough of these.

> THREE DAYS LATER...

> "Good morning, you have reached the Nintendo Helpline," the electronic

> female voice said pleasantly on the phone.

Homer: ABOUT TIME!!

> Mewtwo nudged the sleeping Tom as he lay face‑first upon the video

> console.

Homer: (Tom) What, Mewtwo, I’m trying to sleep here.

Corey: (Mewtwo) Answer the damn phone, I haven’t been waiting here three days for nothin’!

> "Wha, what?" Tom said, still half asleep.

> "I THINK YOU FINALLY GOT THROUGH."

> "Really?" Tom said, yawning. He listened to the electronic female voice

> on the phone some more.

> "Please be sure that a Nintendo representative is urgently making his or

> her way to answer your call. You the customer are very important to us.

Corey: ...Ahahahahahahahahah!

> For now, please hold some more and listen to our delightful music." A

> purple dinosaur face appeared on the video console's screen. "HYUCK! Hi

> kids! Now let's all join in! I love you, you love me, we're all‑"

Corey: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

[Corey faints]

Cozza: ...uhhh...hmmm.

> "Please let me die," Tom said, banging his head on the video‑phone.

Cozza: PLEEEEEEASE!

> Mewtwo began powering up with bright blue psychic energy. "WOULD YOU LIKE

> A LONG‑SUFFERING DEATH OR A QUICK PAINLESS ONE?"

> "N‑Noo! It was only a figure of speech!"

> Mewtwo snapped its fingers. "DARN."

All (but Corey): DANG!

> <><><>

> ONE WEEK LATER...

> "Hello, this is Leanne from the Ninteno Helpline speaking." Sounds of

> gum‑chewing. "How can I help you?"

> "Finally!" Tom said as he scratched the sleep from his eyes and sat up.

> "Oops, sorry. It's time for my coffee‑break. Please hold." Sounds of

> static. Then, "I love you, you love me! We're all one big‑"

> "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

> <><><>

Homer: Next one of these I see, I’m gonna BLAST!

> TWO WEEKS LATER...

> "Now if you'd PLEASE tell me what we have to do before we leave Fake

> Town?" Tom pleaded into the receiver.

Bohan: (Nintendo Rep.) Oh, that’s easy, just go past the town border and you’re out.

> Sounds of gum chewing. "Well, like that's pretty easy. All you have to do

> is beat Fake Town's Gym Leader."

Bohan: Well, there’s that, but I’d rather just leave.

> "Gym Leader? But I didn't even know we had one!"

Homer: You don’t know a lot, do you?

> "Well, there wasn't one until today when old man Satoshi suddenly decided

> that Fake Town needed one." Gum chewing. "Yesterday since there wasn't a

> Gym Leader you could have left without doing anything."

> "Gah. Well then could you please tell me who the Gym Leader is?"

> Sounds of keyboard tapping. "Says here that it's someone named, 'Acey.'"

[Corey suddenly shoots up]

Corey: WHAT?!!!

Cozza: Mornin’, sunshine.

Corey: (Mr Peabody) Quiet, You!

> "Acey? But he's the Village Idiot! I thought he didn't even have any

> pokemon."

> "Look, I answer questions only. All I know is that Acey will be a serious

> threat so you better watch out."

Cozza: You’re kidding, right?

Corey: He’s an SI, you gotta watch out for those.

> "Why?"

> "Well, says here that he's a character of type SI which stands for Self

> Insertion. They are typically God‑like beings with no weaknesses

> whatsoever."

Corey: Told ya.

> "SI?"

> Gum chewing yet again. Then," Sorry, your time limit has expired. You'll

> have to hang up and rejoin the calling queue if you want more questions

> answered..." Vague sounds of someone on talking on another line. "Look,

> we don't sell Pokemon cards! This is a helpline, Sir, a helpine!‑"

> Tom hung up and turned to his friends and pokemon who were sitting up on

> their sleeping bags. "It looks like we have to beat the Gym Leader, Acey,

> before we can leave on our journey."

> "Like totally?" Harry asked.

Bohan: I’LL KILL HIM!!!

Homer: (grabbing Bohan): HOLD IT BOHAN, IT’S JUST A FANFIC, CALM DOWN, WOULD YA!?

> "..." Dick said.

> "Yeah, that's what she told me. Should be a cinch since I think Acey

> isn't even a Pokemon Trainer."

> "IT DOESN'T MATTER," Mewtwo said. "SINCE ACEY IS AN SI CHARACTER, HE'LL

> BE UNBEATABLE. YOU MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP AND STAY HERE IN FAKE TOWN

> WORKING FOR MC DONALDS OR SOMETHING."

Corey: I agree.

> "Well, you're supposed to be the most powerful pokemon right? How can I

> lose?"

Corey: This is a fanfic and Acey is an SI, it shouldn’t be too hard!

> <><><>

Homer: DIE!!! [He shoots an energy beam...that dissipates in front of the screen]

Corey: (Dr Nick) ...ok, that was strange.

> Tom, with Dick and Harry behind him as well as Mewtwo, pressed the

> doorbell. Ding dong!

> "Acey, I challenge you for a badge!" Tom cried out in an authoritive

> tone.

Corey: (Acey) No, I dunwanna.

> The door creaked open a crack and a guy with longish black hair and grey

> eyes stared out at them with an amused grin on his face. "And who might

> you be?"

Homer: (Tom) Tom, Dick & Harry, at you’re service.

Bohan: (Acey) ... couldn’t you think of anything original?

> "I'm Tom, and these are my friends, Dick and Harry. We've come to

> challenge you for the .... say what kind of badge is it that you have?"

> Acey blinked. "I actually haven't thought of what badge I offer yet.

[everyone falls out of their chairs]

Hold

> that thought and meet me in the garage. It's over to the side." He

> slammed the door shut and there was the sound of running feet.

> Tom looked at Mewtwo as they strolled off to the garage. "He doesn't look

> so tough to me."

> "JUST REMEMBER WHAT YOU ARE UP AGAINST. SELF INSERTION CHARACTER."

> "What exactly is a Self‑Insertion character?" Tom asked.

> Mewtwo seemed to think for a few seconds. "BASICALLY IT IS A CHARACTER IN

> A FIC WHO IS TOTALLY IMMORTAL, ALWAYS WINS, HAS NO DIRECT FAULTS, SOLVES

> EVERYONE'S PROBLEMS, IS INCREDIBLY SMART AND GOOD‑LOOKING AND ALWAYS HAS

> THE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER, FALL IN LOVE

> WITH HIM OR HER."

> "You mean, kind of like a New Trainer?"

Corey:...No, not necessarily.

> "TA SELF INSERTION IS A KIND OF NEW TRAINER BUT MUCH MORE POWERFUL."

Homer: Don’t you mean ‘the’?

> "I don't care! I'm going to be like Cousin Ash and never give up!"

Corey: And be stubborn and annoyingly cocky. I hate people like that.

Cozza: You call him ‘Cousin’ one more time, I’ll kill you.

Corey: you can try...

Cozza: Why do you keep saying that?

[Corey shrugs]

> Suddenly a small portal appeared above Tom's head and a fist came out and

> bonked him one.

Corey: (Jim Carey) IT WAS ME!!!

Cozza: He deserved it.

Corey: He also deserves a chair to the head.

Homer: That and other things...

> "Ow!"

> "I am not related to you! Now goodbye!" The hand retreated back into the

> small vortex and it winked out.

Corey: I’m not retreating, I’m advancing in reverse.

> When they reached the side of the house where the garage was, the roller

> doors began to roll up, letting them see inside. It was kind of dark, but

> Tom could pick out the extreme messiness of the place, with bits of cars,

> tools, lawn mowers and what‑have‑yous all scattered about the floor.

Corey: A typical garage.

Bohan: What’s a what-have-you?

Corey: (Burns) How the bloody hell should I know?!

Acey

> was at the back wearing a baggy grey jumper, black jeans and sneakers.

> "Now who shall challenge me for the, uhhh, the Stupid Badge!" Acey said,

> his grey eyes seeming to be glowing in the relative darkness of the room.

> "The Stupid Badge?" Tom asked curiously.

> Acey pulled out a small piece of paper with sticky‑tape attached to it.

Corey: It should be called the ‘Half-assed’ Badge.

> "Yeah, this is it. You wear this piece of paper stuck to your clothes."

> "But it says, 'Kick Me' on it," Tom protested.

> Acey shrugged. "A badge is a badge."

Corey: Why fight? I’d just give it to him.

Cozza: But that would be too easy.

Corey: Yeah, but people would kick him.

Cozza:...good point.

> "Okay, dude, I'll like totally challenge you then!" Harry said as he

> pulled out his three poke‑balls.

Bohan: I’m gonna ‘totally’ KICK YOU IN THE BALLS!!!

Homer: whoah, settle down, Bohan.

Bohan: (Homi) YOU WANT SOME OF THIS!!! [charges up]

Homer: (Bart-Bart) Waagh, no...

> At that moment a girl with shortish black hair came in through the back

> and stood next to Acey.

> "Oh, this is just Sakywaky, my mascot. She brings me good luck," Acey

> explained.

Corey: And a good TIME, too, I presume.

Cozza: What do you mean by that?

Corey: Don’t worry, you wouldn’t understand.

Cozza: Try me.

Corey: ...no.

> "Actually, I'm trying to give you bad luck, Aceywacey," Sakywaky said

> with an impish grin on her lips.

Corey: Oooh.

> "Whatever," Acey said, shrugging his shoulders.

Corey: (Krusty) Meh.

He turned his attention

> back on them. "Okay, Mister Whoever‑your‑name‑is. The rules are, any of

> your pokemon against mine. No time limit, let the battle begin!"

> "Like, I totally choose ... Articuno, Zapdos and Moltres!" Harry began to

> throw his three poke‑balls into the air.

Corey: (Acey (Barney)) I said one!

> "Blackie, I choose you!" Acey interrupted as he threw something extremely

> hard at Harry's head. With a loud crack it collided into his forehead and

> Harry fell over unconscious with a huge bruise on his face.

All: BULLSEYE!!!

The three

> balls he held rolled out of his palms unopened.

> "I win," Acey said, smiling, as he blew some strands of black hair away

> from his eyes and picked up the thing that he had thrown.

> "You cheated!" Tom accused. "That wasn't a pokemon!"

> "Is so!" Acey defended. "I got it from Santa just like everyone else did

> this Christmas!" He lifted it up to show them.

> "That's a lump of coal, not a pokemon!" Tom cried out.

Homer: So someone did get a lump of coal.

> "It is so a pokemon," Acey retaliated. "You're hurting Blackie's

> feelings!" he said as he rubbed the piece of coal affectionately with a

> finger.

All: ...

> "But, but‑"

> "GIVE IT A REST," Mewtwo said. "AN SI ALWAYS GETS THEIR WAY."

Corey: I noticed that.

> "Fine then," Tom said angrily. "Dick you wanna go next or will I? Dick

> ... Dick!"

> "Who's Dick?" Acey asked.

Corey: Tom’s dick!

[The rest look at him with a ‘What-the...?’ look on their faces]

Corey: uhh, never mind.

> "He was the other guy who was with me!"

> "Oh, you mean the piece of cardboard? Sorry, but my dog needed something

> to piss on really quick and I didn't think you'd need it anymore," Acey

> said. He had an embarrassed look on his face.

Corey: Don’t worry about it. It’s just a cardboard dick.

Cozza: In more ways than one.

> Tom's vision turned to a haze of red. "I shall avenge my fallen friends!

Corey: (Goku) You killed Krillin, I’ll avenge ... ooh, cookie!

> Mewtwo I choose you!"

> "WHATEVER," Mewtwo said.

Cozza: Whatever, indeed

> "Alright, in that case, Baseball Bat, I choose you!" Acey cried out as he

> pulled one out which had been leaning on the wall and hefted it

> threateningly.

Corey: At least it’s not that bat.

The rest: ...EWW!

Corey: ...sorry.

> "Baseball Bat?" Tom asked. "Now that's definitely not a pokemon!"

All: You think?!

> "Says you! Baseball Bat, Big Swing, now!" Acey cried as he ran up, swung,

> and smashed Tom in the kneecaps powerfully with the big steel bat. There

> was a sickening crunching sound as Tom toppled over screaming deliriously

> in pain.

Bohan: As usual.

> "ARRGHHHH! Mewtwo aren't you going to do anything???" Tom squealed as he

> lay with his legs seemingly bent in impossible postions.

> But Mewtwo was busy playing Street Fighter Alpha 3 on Acey's Playstation.

> "SORRY. BUSY PLAYING," it said as it psychically manipulated the

> joystick. "YEAH!!! HADOKEN! SHORYUKEN!"

Corey: Watetteddooaken!

> "Hah!" Acey said as he rested his Baseball Bat on one shoulder. "It was a

> mistake to have such a high level pokemon for your starter! Don't you

> ever play the Gameboy game? They never obey!" He chuckled. "I mean, you

> don't even have a Stupid Badge yet! New Trainers never learn! Now

> goodbye..." He put away the baseball bat and removed the lump of coal

> from his pocket. As he prepared to pitch it, his grey eyes began to glow

> evilly. "Now then ... Blackie, finish him!"

> All Tom saw before he went unconscious was the black piece of coal

> heading directly between his eyes...

All: BULLSEYE!!!

Corey: Two for two!

> <><><>

Homer: Three lumps of coal.

> EPILOGUE

> Tom and his friends continually tried to challenge Acey the Gym Leader of

> Fake Town but each time they always lost. But Tom, trying to be as

> stubborn as Ash never gave up. But unlike Ash, he never ended up winning

> either.

> Mewtwo ended up finding a girl Mewtwo. They fell in love, had 2.5 baby

> Mewtwos

Corey: How can you have half a baby?!

Homer: Siamese twins.

Corey: ...I don’t think so.

and lived happily everafter

All: Awwww.

...well not really.

All: Huh?

He just ended up

> going back to the real Pokemon World and received a raise. But he was

> still forced to do more New Trainer fics to his supreme annoyance.

Corey: Hate to be in his shoes.

Homer: He doesn’t wear shoes.

Corey: ... IT’S A FIGURE OF SPEECH, YOU MORON!!

> But what was the real moral of the story? Never ever challenge Self

> Insertion characters!

All: Duh!

> INTERESTING FACT #1

> Why was Acey's Lump of coal so hard? Little did anyone know Santa had run

> out of coal that Christmas (due to popular demmand) so he had to start

> painting actual rocks black to keep up with it.

Corey: Demand? That suggests that they want them.

Homer: The parents are the ones who demand them.

Corey:...oh yeah.

> INTERESTING FACT #2

> The ending of this story sucks because the author was tired of writing

> it. Then again, every part of this story sucked didn't it?

All: YES!

> INTERESTING FACT #3

> This fic was not spell‑checked or grammar‑checked to keep up with the

> style of actual New Trainer fics.

Corey: It shows.

> INTERESTING FACT #4

> There is no interesting fact #4.

Corey: ...wha?

> But there are plenty of boring ones.

> Like the author downloaded Textpad version 4 to type this in and was

> continually annoyed by the nag screens.

Corey: Shouldn’t have bothered.

> And so we finally come to...

All: yes, YES...

> THE END!!!

> (Sounds of cheering)

All: YEEEEEEAAH, WOOOOOOOOH, [cheering]

> Liked the story? Or hated it? You can tell me at jsa@fl.net.au

Corey: (Homer) Nah!

> And remember... this is a parody! If you were offended by this piece,

> lighten up! ^_^;; I'm well‑aware that a lot of other genres aren't up to

> scratch either, it's just that NT's are so much more easier to pick on

> ^_^;;

Cozza: OH REALLY!!!

> And by the way, I think people were too hard on Koalakiller. My guess is

> he just read another fic like this one and just blew up ^_^.

Corey: Or some guy shot him.

Cozza: Probably Acey.

Corey: Hmm, could be.

> Bye everyone! And have a Happy New Year!

Homer: You, too, buddy...NOT!

[The film (finally) stops]

[...]

Corey: Uhh, hello.

Voice: zzzzzzuh, wha huh? Oh, It’s over...what did ya think.

Bohan: ...Crap. And that Harry was annoying.

Voice: Really?

Bohan (annoyed): Like totally.

Homer: I kinda liked it. Needed butter, though.

Voice: Fics don’t need butter.

Homer: Fics? I was talking about the popcorn.

Voice: ...

Cozza: It’s a new trainer fic. I thought it would be good like mine...It wasn’t.

Corey: The only thing I liked about that fic is ...Samantha...

Voice:...why?

Corey: She hit her little brother with a chair! I only wish I could do that.

Bohan: You’d need a little brother for that.

Corey:...I got one! He’s a brat!

Bohan: Oh.

Corey: I’m outta here. I should get my pay in the mail as usual, right?

Voice: Yeah. You may go now.

[Everyone but Corey leaves, Bohan with all the leftovers.]

Corey: What are we getting paid this time?

Voice: $400 bucks as usual, why?

Corey: We should get paid ten more.

Voice: Why?

Corey: You owe us a movie ticket.

[Corey leaves]

Voice:...oh yeah.

My site: www.geocities.com/SSJ2GohanSupreme

My e-mail: Coramaximus@hotmail.com

Ace Sanchez

Emails : jsanchez@bigpond.net.au

: aceywacey@hotmail.com

WWW: http://www.users.bigpond.net.au/acey

Just thought you’d like to know.

Note from ME: That’s number three. Seasons Greetings. It’s only the beginning of December, but close enough to Chrissy. I thought I might as well get into the festivities early since I found this fic. It has reference to the New Year at the end so ...yeah.

Merry Christmas and a happy new year (and stuff like that).

CRSinclair

C. Sinclar – Author, and owner of

Coramaximus

and its concept

Stingers

He looked up at the sky. Or really the ceiling since that

> was in the way. "Thanks, Santa!"

Corey: (‘Santa’) You’re welcome, Darling.

> "You're welcome," his mom said.

Corey: OK, how about I explain the meaning of ‘DISCRETE’ to you, ehh?

> Tom said as he brushed his

> hair back with his fingers and tried to look cool. Unfortunately whatever

> effect it was supposed to have was ruined by a chair landing on his head

> with a crash, knocking him silly.

> "Like, in your dreams," Samantha said dryly as she dusted off her hands.

Corey: I think I’m in love.

Cozza (waving a hand in front of Corey) Uhhh, hello, Earth to Corey ... (giving up) oh, well.

> Mewtwo hovered over to Dick and tapped it with its finger. "BUT THIS IS

> JUST A CARDBOARD CUTOUT," it said with a snort of laughter.

[Everyone falls out of their seats]

About the stingers: There were so many funny bits, it came down to three, instead of one. It’s the festive season, LIVE WITH IT!