MST of WeirdHouse 23 by Dan "Silent Dan" Ferguson...badong.

Welcome once again to the...badong...-ness that is ... um...you know, the bad thing that we hate...yet we like...well, welcome to MAXIMUS THEATRE...again. This time we have a special treat. Ladies and gentlemen (or similar), allow me to introduce our

MAXIMUS THEATRE 1^st BIRTHDAY-CHRISTMAS-NEW YEAR-AUSTRALIA DAY-CHINESE NEW YEAR-GNODAB-STUFF SPECIAL...THINGIE

...and breath [gasp phew]

...and now on with the “show”...or something

*******************************************************************************************************************************

[The scene: A well furbished apartment. Two lounges are set up in a V shape, with at least a doorways space between the ends, to face a large cabinet with a Wide-screen Digital TV opposite the front door. In a corner to the right of the TV, is a P.C., well equipped, I might add. It has state-of-the-art components like a 2Ghz Pentium 4 Processor, 40Gb Hard drive, Windows XP, Broadband internet access and stuff like that ... I think. Off to the left of the door is a kitchen. Around the place stand multiple doors leading to places men fear to tread, or couldn't be bothered going in. Either way, what lay beyond them is hidden in secrecy.]

[Corey sits on the couch located to the left of the entrance, an open coke can in hand, looking at something standing in the opposing corner, right of the TV. It was tall, green, and had lengths of...shiny stuff (tinsel, I think they call it) wrapped around it, as well as a string of little lights. It also had little decorations scattered all over it, and a star at the very top.]

Corey: ...well...I stand corrected...the tree doesn’t make this place any better...oh well. Hey...um...you, are you ready this time?

[...]

Voice:...oh, you mean me, right?

Corey: That’s right.

Voice: Well, if you must know...momentarily.

Corey: Like last time, huh?

Voice: ...how’d you know about that?

Corey: I have my ways.

Voice:...well, I’ve sorted out my files, so I shouldn’t be long, now.

Corey:...you’re not even looking, are you?

Voice: ... [sounds of ruffling paper] uh, yes, yes I am!!

Corey:...well...good...

Voice: ...(whispering) huh? ...what is this...ahh, perfect!

Corey: What is?

Voice: ! you’ll see...mhmhmhmhmhmwahahahahaha [coughs]

Corey: You do know that’s bad for your health?

Voice (sarcastic): You don’t say [coughs]

Corey: Well, the sooner we get into it, the sooner we can be done with it. [takes a sip of coke]

Voice: Well, we can begin once all of you are seated.

Corey: ...all of us? I don’t see anyone else...wait!

[sounds of people can be heard coming from the “kitchen”]

...what the hell?

[Out of the “kitchen” area, walk three figures]

Jarred: So I says to the guy...what the crap? How, the hedge, did we end up here?

David: I told you we should've turned left at Albuquerque.

Jarred: ...what?

David: I dunno, I saw it in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

Jarred:...right...

Corey: Hey, how’s it goin’?

Jarred: Well, up until we got here, fine.

Corey: I see.

David: You mind if we take a few cans from the fridge?

Corey: Ah, go ahead.

[David takes three cans out of the fridge]

Voice: If you’ll all take a seat, we shall begin

[David takes a seat beside Corey, farthest from the TV, while Jarred, and Adam(who was the third person to come from the “kitchen” mind you), sit on the other couch - closest and farthest, respectively. David passes each a can of Coke, which they catch with relative ease]

Corey: Hey, where’s mine?

David: ?! You’ve got one right there!

Corey: But it’s empty [whine]

David: Then go get another one.

Corey: Fine.

[Corey goes to the “kitchen” to get another coke can, and to dispose of his empty one]

Jarred: What is that? [Jarred points to the thing in the right corner]

David: I believe that is a Christmas tree.

Jarred: Oh. How did it get here?

Voice: I think Corey brought it from a plot hole.

Jarred: Oh god, not a plot hole!

David: Of course, that’s how we got into a kitchen with no back entrance.

Jarred: ...true.

[Corey comes back from the “kitchen” with another can of coke]

Corey: That explains a bit.

[He sits in the spot next to David, closest to the TV, where he was seated beforehand]

[Suddenly the front door shuts and secure locking can be heard]

Corey: What the...?!

Voice: I got a security door! There’s no escape!

Jarred: Why do I get the feeling we won’t be using that plot hole we came through, earlier...?

[The TV turns on]

Voice: Here we go...oh, before I forget, Adam, there are no emergency exits here, so don’t bother looking.

Adam:.....what?

[The “fic”...well, the MST, begins]

> WeiRd hOUse

Jarred: ...OH GOD NO!

> Episode 23, and now it’s time for something new, something different, something totally incredible... with almost no stitching at all, so it feels like you’re wearing nothing at all. You want the world’s most comfortable bra ever!

Corey: So it’s time to look for one? You confuse me.

> ................................................

> Damn. I don’t know what happened there. But I can tell you, if this episode was more EVALESS, that would have been much, much more painful.

Jarred (in pain): He’s not kiddin’!

> Because today, we have a special little treat for the lab rats. In order to avert the slaughtering and sheer madness that another part of EVALESS would surely bring on, Stiriox feeds the crew something new, something different, something the likes of which you have never seen or tried before...

> A-HEM!!!! Better just run the fic...

Corey: You do that.

> Weirdhouse © Daniel Ferguson.

Corey: And is protected by Australian Copyright law...no, I’m serious.

> FFVIII Substitute Saviours © Pen Pounder (does that sound wrong or what?).

Corey: I should call the RSPCS.

Jarred: The what?

Corey: The Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Stationery.

Jarred: ...I should’ve seen it coming, I really should’ve!

> [The Scene: In the streets of Crystal City from the world of Supertron, there stands an abandoned cinema, containing one theatre that hasn’t been ransacked. The inside of the theatre is a blue-and-green carpet that runs up the walls as well. Thirty rows of seats, twenty seats across with two isles, adorn the floor, and there is a large screen at one end and a projector room at the back of the room. Below the projector room is a single wooden door, with a large vault door on the inside. A Bob the Builder doll stands in one corner, while the debris of a table lies in the middle, on top of all the seats. Within the rows lie two bodies, that of Evil, and his evil twin brother, Bad. An empty bag of sugar sits on a chair. The last two rows have been removed and replaced with recliners, and a missile turret sits in one corner, pointed at the screen. A massive area of blue light exists in a hole in the wall next to the door. Scorch marks, where the SIG tried to get out using their powers, adorn the roof. A giant purple horn, belonging to Evangelion Unit 01, covered in burn marks, finger-shaped indents and bubbles of melted metal lies in the central isle, squashing several chairs underneath it.]

Jarred: Basically, it’s the epitome of disaster.

> [David enters – running – slams the wooden door shut, grabs the Bob The Builder doll and props it up against to door, before hiding beneath some of the seats in the front row.

Corey: coward.

David: HEY! You don’t know what I was up against!

Jarred: ...I think I’ll take David’s side on this one...only because I do.

Loud knocks, by lots of people from the sound of it, can be heard at the door.]

> David: Shit-shit-shit-shit-shit... I hope they don’t find me in here...

> [Outside, Jarred walks through the hallway towards the cinema room where they usually have the torture session, but stops halfway, as he finds his path blocked... by thousands of angry old grannies beating their walking sticks and handbags against the wooden door of the theatre.]

Corey: ...THAT’S IT?!

David: Hey, if you were face to face with them, you’d understand.

> Jarred: Oh man... I’ll have to do something about this...

Jarred: I didn’t really have to, I was just bored.

> [Jessica walks in.]

> Grannies: Let us in, you young hooligan, you whipper-snapper, you!!

> Jessica: What did he do this time?

David: Surprise, surprise, she already blames me!

> Jarred: By the sound of it... (pauses to listen carefully) he got the last of the Snickers bars at the counter.

David: It was a Mars bar, but that’s beside the point.

> Jessica: That sounds like him alright.

David: Hey, it’s not like I bought the rest, as well...I only bought 20.

> Jarred: Mm-hmm. Should we help him?

> Jessica: What can we do? We’re Ultima Warriors, not God.

David: Is that pessimism I hear? That’s not like you, Jess.

> Jarred: Hmm, funny you should say that...

> Jessica: Huh? What are talking about?

> Jarred: Oh, never mind...

> Jessica: Right, I won’t.

> Rachel (making a hoppity-skip entrance): Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar – Hey, what’s going on?

> Jessica: David took the last of the Snickers bars from the candy bar.

David: It was a MARS BAR!!

> Rachel: That meanie!!!! (Rachel rushes in to join the grannies, taking chunks out of the door with the Red Phoenix.)

Adam:...figures.

> Jarred: I wonder what the hurt is this time?

> Jessica: Maybe we could just stand here and watch the slaughter instead. Much more fun.

Jarred: Yep...much more fun to watch a bunch of old grannies slaughter an innocent door, uh huh.

> Jarred: It’s times like this I hate being a Paladin.

Jarred: Not to mention that the armour gets itchy.

> Jessica: Why? Cause you’ve gotta go help someone?

> Jarred: No. Because I’ve gotta battle the dreaded might of the ‘Mob of Angry Grannies’ ™.

> Jessica: Oh well, we’d better go help David.

David: ...I never expected HER to say that.

> Jarred: Yeah, I s’pose.

Corey: Or suppose, even.

Jarred: Shutup.

> [Jarred powers up his Turn Undead ability

Jarred: Which I can pull out of my ass, anytime.

(You can never be too certain where the vicious Grannie monster is concerned), takes out the Cybersword, and rushes into battle. Jessica powers up a Psychic Shield of Protection Against Evil Grannies ™, takes out Kaha’rid and Shadow Bane, and joins the battle.]

> [Five minutes later, Sarah and Adam arrive.]

> Sarah: Let me guess... David cleared out the candy bar.

David: IT WAS 20 MARS BARS!!

> Adam: ......

Adam: You tell ‘em.

> Sarah: I hate you more than Satan.

> Adam: Thank you.

Adam: I appreciate it.

> Sarah: You’re welcome.

> [Sarah takes out the Shear-Jashub, and enacts a Shield of Faith spell, before running in. Adam casts Forbidden on his body,

Adam: It satisfies me in a way I never thought possible.

Everyone else: !!!

[Everyone else stares, shocked, at Adam.

Adam: ...I have no Idea why I said that!

-----

GF: HIII!! BOOOM!!!

-----

> draws the Yhwh and does likewise.]

> [Within another five seconds, a hundred dead grannies (although they could just be sleeping – again, you can never be quite sure) lie on the floor, crumpled, charred, sliced-and-diced in a thousands different directions, or just plain mangled. There are fifty or so pot-holes in the floor, perfectly smooth, and jet black.]

> Jarred: Hey David! We got ‘em! How about letting us in?

David: Oh, I’m not falling for that again!

> [A click is heard, and the door swings open. The others rush in, just as some of the grannies quickly jump up and lunge towards the closing door (well, a jump and a lunge to them...).]

Jarred: Less than a step to us.

> [The door closes. Before anyone can react, the vault door slams shut, sealing the six in.]

David: THEY TRICKED ME!!!

> David: Well, that’s one enemy taken care of...

> Jarred: Yeah... but now we’ve jumped out of the frying pan... and into the sauna.

> David: Hey cool, I like saunas.

> [Sarah whispers something into Jarred’s ear.]

> Jarred: Oh, sorry. ...but now we’ve jumped out of the frying pan... and into the frying pan. Right, gotcha.

Corey: So your saying that the MST is as bad as the old grannies.

Jarred: I don’t know what I’m saying!

> Stiriox: Mwa-hahahahahahhaha! I have you trapped now.

> [Adam walks out an emergency exit.]

Adam: If that’s not an emergency, I don’t know what is.

> Stiriox: .................................

> David: Hey Steve.

> Stiriox: I knew that would have repercussions... Get on with the fic.

> [The riffers take up seats in the recliners up the back.]

> David: What is it this time, Stick?

> Stiriox: Well, due to... certain powers that intervene...

> VOICE OF THE AUTHOR OF SUPERTRON: Thank you very much, Stan.

Corey: Get off the stage, Dan!

> Stiriox: It’s Stiriox!

> VOTAOS: Whatever, Stan.

Corey: BOO!

The Voice Of The Author Of Supertron: Oh BOO, yourself!

All: ...

Jarred: Not him, again.

> Stiriox: Due to certain powers, and polls showing that viewers would make global genocide if the regularly-scheduled program went ahead,

Corey: I don’t remember those polls.

I have ‘decided’ to give you something to relieve you of the madness that is EVALESS.

> All: Whoo-hoo!

> Stiriox: The good news is, you still have 12 episodes to go.

> [All groan.]

Corey: And how many have you done?

Jarred: Let me see...1 through 4, and 7.

Corey: That means there’s 19...hoo boy.

> Stiriox: So now, without any further delay, here it is.

> [The lights dim, the curtains draw, and the fic starts.]

> >

> Jarred: ... How the hell am I supposed to hit those?

Corey: With a club.

Jarred: ...shutup.

> >Posted by Pen Pounder

> Jessica: Pen Pounder? That just sounds wrong!

Corey: Or Badong, even.

> Jarred (Pen Pounder): Hey baby! Wanna see my... Pen?

> (He gets whacked by the other’s weapons)

> Jarred: Ow... I knew that’d have repercussions...

Corey: That was also Badong.

> >on 24/05/02 08:05 AM:

> FFVIII:

> All: Yay!!

> >Substitute Saviors

> David: Never heard of that one.

> Jarred: Neither have I.

Corey: I have.

> >(FFWA Edition)

> Okay, this is it. And yeah, I said in my recruitment thread that nothing's written on stone yet (at least until the end of chapter 5). So cast, if you wish to have something changes about yourselves that is already mentioned, please let me know before we reach chapter 5.

Let the mayhem begin!

> David: Joo said it.

> Jarred: Joo?

> David: Just go and read Mega Tokyo already!

Corey: Actually it’s j00 and MegaTokyo.

Jarred and David: Shutup!

> >

----------------------------------------------------------------

Corey: Laser fire.

>

Nothing stood between them and the completion of their contract. Hired to clear Overworld of the life that inhabits it to make room for their planetary invasion, the sinister band of

> Rachel: Fairies!

> Adam: Pitfiends!

> Jarred: Eskimos!

> (others look at him weirdly)

> Jarred: What?

Corey: You’re an idiot.

Jarred: Am not.

> >intergalactic mercenaries thought their task to be a stroll in the park with an airtight plan to rid them of the greatest threat in their schemes: Balamb Garden.

> Sarah: Yeah, Balamb Garden will do that to ya.

> Jarred: But I thought Garden was stranded on Fisherman’s Horizon.

> Jessica: That’s just cause it becomes obsolete in comparison to the Ragnarok.

> Jarred: Oh yeah.

> David: You’ve played the game how many times?

> Jarred: Er... (counts on his fingers) Ten?

Corey: Only ten? Dan’s played it more.

Jarred: Hey, I counted on my fingers. I’ve only got ten!

> David: And yet you still manage to forget that.

> Jarred: I’ve been busy with Ten, alright? And Five... And Six...

Corey: And two, and three, and seven...

> >

But they had to strike on a sem break of all times.

> All: Oh no! Not a sem break!

> >

Now, the invaders

> Jarred: Phew! That was close!

> David: Delta.

> Jarred: Aagh! (Jumps out of his seat, then ducks and hides under it.)

> Stiriox: Get out from under there.

> Jarred: Yes mum.

> Stiriox: ......

Corey: I’m disappointed in you.

Jarred: I’m sorry, mum.

Corey: ...

> >had to contend with the result of their oversight: a SeeD sorceress, the members of the self-styled Balamb Garden Silver Star Elite, four crack operatives from the Esthar Army, two overachieving Galbadian officers,

> Rachel: So... two Lagunas?

> Jarred: How dare you speak such evil!

> Rachel: Um, sugar?

> Jarred: ......

> (Adam snickers)

Corey: I thought David took the last one.

Everyone else: !!!

David: ...they...were...MARS BARS!!!

Ø and... a movie critic.

Corey: (Jay Sherman) It stinks!

> (all have blank stares.)

> >

Final Fantasy VIII
SUBSTITUTE SAVIORS
(FFWA Edition)

The fate of the world hangs in the balance... as usual.

> Rachel: So, how’s it hanging?

> David(Fletcher Reid): Short, shrivelled, and always to the left.

Corey: ...I have no idea who or what that is.

> Jessica: Yeah, I’ll say...

> David: Oi!

> (Off set, Barldramaul snickers.)

Corey: But David took the last one.

[Whack!]

[Corey gets David’s empty coke can to the head]

> Jarred: How the HELL does he do that?!

Jarred: ‘hell’ being the keyword.

> >

Chapter 1

“They don’t have a clue, do they?”

Corey: Who don’t?

> Sarah: Do they ever?

> Jarred: Do who have a clue?

> Sarah: Laguna.

> Jarred: Laguna’s two people?

> Sarah: Yeah. And they’re both morons.

> Jarred (Squall): I had a dream too. It wasn’t pleasant, though. I dreamt I was a moron.

> David: B-boom-tish!

Corey: That wasn’t funny.

> >

“Don’t worry. Right now, we can say the word ‘clueless’ was invented solely for them.

> David: Or to name a movie and then later a television series way back in the late 1990’s/early 2000’s based around popular American teenagers at an American school and the social aspect of said teenage lives, which starred Alicia Silverstone.

Corey: Are you sure it’s her?

> [Jarred, Jessica, Sarah and Rachel have blank stares.]

> Rachel: You watch that too?! Like, wow! That’s totally my favourite movie!

> David: ...... No, I don’t. The pop-culture history fairy just told me about it.

> Stiriox: So THAT’S how you people know so much about that time period... (scribbles something on some paper)

Corey: Well, I’ve got something else for that.

Jarred: What’s that?

Corey: Actual reality. I was born in 1985, you know?

Jarred: ...well, now we do.

> They have absolutely no knowledge of what’s happening.”

> Sarah: Of course.

> >

“How are the generators? Were they able to withstand the pulse release?”

Corey: ...that’s just badong.

> Jessica: Don’t worry about the pulse release, what about the toast?

> >

“I almost got worried about that. Number 9 showed signs of release stress.

Corey: ...THAT’S EVEN MORE BADONG!!

> Jarred: It heard another episode of Evaless was coming, so it got while the going was good.

> David: Good on it.

> Jessica: (Snickering) Hehe... he said ‘release’...

> (others look at her funny)

Corey: I didn’t expect HER to say that

Jarred and David: Join the club.

> >I thought it was going to give, but it held on within threshold.

> Jarred (Jim): Yah! What the hell was that?!

> Sarah (Michelle): I just boosted your threshold.

> (others look at them weirdly)

> Adam: Jeez, enough with the America Pie 2 gags!

Corey: I agree. Jeez!

> Jarred: I’m sorry. My bad.

> David: (Surprised) He talks!

> Adam: What? It’s not like I’m mute or something.

Adam: ...well, I’m not!

> >The engineering drone did a good job of abiding by specifications.”

> Jarred: So... It did a government-standard job?

> David: Yeah, that sounds about right.

> Jarred: Here’s a little tip to remember: Roman roads = superb quality, efficiency and low maintenance. Government roads = crap.

> Sarah: But it said the drone did a good job.

Corey: Well, that was a suck-load of suck.

> >

“Good. How about the ego injector shell.

Corey: We accidentally used it on Tom Dyron.

David: (The person speaking) and the second one?

Corey: D.J. Croft.

David: (The person speaking) There should be another.

Jarred: Issei Mataloun.

David: (The person speaking) DAMN! And what are the effects?

Jarred: They wrote bad SI fanfics.

David: (The person speaking) ...cancel the research.

> Jarred: Ego injector? Is that some kind of new thing in Eva?

> Rachel: How do you mean?

> Jarred: Well, you know how a humans’ Latent AT Field is their ego-borderline, the barrier that keeps them self to... well, themselves?

> Rachel: ......

> Jarred: Well, I think this is a new version of that.

> David: Upgraded from Millennium Edition.

David: To XP

Jarred: Which is actually good, I hear.

Corey: That’s what I have been told.

> >Are you sure you inserted the right one?”

Corey: RIGHT?! I THOUGHT YOU SAID LEFT!

> David: Yes, I’m certain.

> Jarred: So you inserted the red one?

> David: The red one? I thought you said the blue one!

> >

“Is that a trick question? We only have one kind of E.I. shell.”

Corey: You’re forgetting the E.I.E.I.O. shell.

[...]

Jarred: That just plain sucked.

Corey: I know.

>

“What? They didn’t provide for a contingency?”

> Jarred: What do you think?

> >

“Come on, I feel bad enough as it is. Look at them.”

Corey: (The person speaking) THEY’RE POKÉMON, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!

>

“... ... ...”

“Look, we may be taking over their world, but in my opinion, this measure is still too much of an overkill. It’s not human to do something like this.”

> David: Nor is it human to let George W. Bush roam around without a collar, lead, or more than three working organs, either.

> Jarred: Or John Howard.

Corey: ...Badong.

> >

“We’re not human. So what’s the problem?”

“Oh yeah...”

> Rachel: ...Idiots...

Adam: Look who’s talking.

> >

“But... you’re right. Our people laud us and call us merciless. That we may be, but... this measure is way too cruel. Maybe we should have chosen another specimen for the E.I. shell.”

> Jarred: If this is FF8... oh dear. I suddenly have a very bad feeling about this.

David: (David) Probably the Burritos

Jarred: (Jarred) ...no, it feels much worse.

> >

“That’s exactly my point. I wouldn’t do something like this to my worst enemy.”

> David: Oh yep. I’m getting a bad feeling too. It must be bad.

David: (David) Worse than Burritos, bad.

> >

“Still, our directive is to make sure they were out of the way. Even I can’t deny that this is the only way to ascertain that our plan is 100% foolproof.”

> Jarred: Foolproof? Or fool-proved?

> Sarah: You be the judge.

Corey: Judge of what? What is this ‘fool-proved’?

> >

“Yeah. Amen to that.”

“So they’re afflicted. In that condition, not even their vaunted commander should be able to stage a resistance. He’d be too confused with himself to fight us. Same goes to all of them.”

> Jessica: Oh no! It can’t be!

> Sarah: Please... no...

> >

“True.”

“What about our mole? Is he in place?”

> Jarred: No, sorry. He’s stuck.

Corey: In traffic.

> >
“For about a week now. He was complaining to me yesterday how his post had been testing his patience. Something about this automation auditor that’s been giving him one hell of a horrible time. “

“What’s the auditor’s name?”

Corey: Bob?

>

“Pen Pounder, if I remember it correctly.”

> All: Gross...

Corey: Bob’s better.

> >

“Send someone over to kill him.”

“Got it.”

“All right, so it’s agreed then. We commence operations twenty-four hours from now, in sync with terran time divisions.”

> Jarred: But... Terra’s not the leader of the world... oh boy, I think I’ve gone cross-eyed.

Corey: I’d go cross-eyed trying to figure out what you meant by that.

> >

“Don’t mention ‘in sync’!

> Jarred: I hate that band.

Corey: Don’t we all?

> >It makes me want to buy a gun.”

“You already have a gun.”

> (David falls off his seat.)

David: It got slippery, all of a sudden.

Jarred: (sarcastic) Sure it did.

> >

“That was a joke.”

“I know. And you suck.”

> (Jarred snickers.)

Corey: But I thought...

[David gives him a mean look]

...nevermind.

> >

“Geez, lighten up a little.”

“’Geez’? We’ve been here for ten Overworld cycles and you’re already speaking like a priest who just slept with a kangaroo.

Corey: ...with a what, now?!

> Sarah: Too much information!

> Jessica: Gagh!

> Jarred (sick): You said it.

> >Remind me to submit your name for culture-cleansing once the Pontifex establishes order.”

“Okay. But... what’s a kangaroo?”

> David: Obvious American aliens...

> >

“It’s a... never mind.”

“Hrrnn... let’s just commence operations. Set landing schedule in twenty-four hours.”

----------

Her body moved

Corey: So she’s not dead?

> Rachel: Look! It’s moving!

> Jarred: Wee-hee!

> Jessica: Cut that out!

> Jarred: Yes mum.

> Jessica: ......

Corey: What have I told you about that?

Jarred: ...nothing.

Corey [shaking his head]: tsk, tsk, tsk...very disappointed.

Jarred: Sorry, mum.

[Corey throws David’s empty coke can at Jarred]

> >with razor accuracy and clockwork precision. The hail of sharp darts were zooming in from all directions, but it was obvious from the calm in her face that she was unfazed by the daunting threat. Pacified as they were, her eyes still flickered with the alertness of a shadow warrior. As the lethal projectiles closed in, her body responded in order, muscles flexing like a bundle of taut,

> David: He-he... he said ‘taut’.

> (Jessica growls at him).

David: (himself) What? It’s past tense for ‘teach’!

> >steel wires.

One hand blurred in motion,

> David: Woah, Jarred! I think those muffins of yours just kicked in!

> Jarred: Yeah. That’s funny, though. ‘Cause I never made any muffins.

Adam: That was me.

[David and Jarred look at Adam]

> >instantly catching four darts within its exposed fingers. Auburn locks waved gracefully as she spun, her other arm making an arc through the air to grab five more of the speeding projectiles. Nine were taken

> Sarah: For dinner at a fancy restaurant, followed by a moonlit stroll along the beach, where they then made passionate love under the stars.

> Jarred: ......

Jarred: That just came out of the blue, didn’t it?

> >out of commission.

> Sarah: Oh. My bad.

> Jarred: There, there. I know how much you want that date...

Jarred: What did it imply, to you?

> >Only a hundred more remained.

Moving with deftness, her feet snagged

> David: A fish.

> Jarred: I see Leviathan’s gone to sleep on the job...

Corey: I didn’t get that.

> >a fiberglass shield

> Jessica: Obviously Carbuncle’s still working hard at it, though.

Corey: or that.

> >resting on the floor and flipped it up. Within half a second, the female warrior had caught the shield in her right arm. She displayed blinding quickness in protecting her entirety with that one aegis that in her speed, became like many. By the dozen, the deadly darts dropped harmlessly to the floor after striking the impenetrable defense of the shield.

The hissing sounds disappeared as the onslaught of darts ceased. Smiling proudly, Kathleen Mishima

> Jarred: Daughter of Heihachi?

Corey: That, or Kazuya.

> >ran her hands all over her slender frame,

> David (drooling): I’d like to run my hands over her ‘frame’...
(Jessica slams him over the back of the head with her fist)

> David: Oww...!

> Jessica: You deserved it.

Corey: She got you, there.

Jarred: I believe he’s right.

David:...shutup.

> >as if clearing them of dust. But she was really merely gloating her accomplishment. Beyond the small chamber that served as high-tech automated training room, three young men were sporting unbelieving faces as they watched their pretty colleague through a wide glass wall.

“I don’t believe it. She actually did it!”

> Jarred(Colleague): She actually did it! She defeated Sin!

> >

“I told you so. She’s been practicing it for more than a month since you two took her on that...”

> Jarred: Romantic Moonlit Walk.

> Sarah: TM.

> Jarred: (Sarcastically) Oh course.

Jarred: Personally, I don’t think it deserves a trademark.

[Out of nowhere, Sarah hits Jarred on the back of the head and disappears]
Jarred: ...WHAT, THE HELL, WAS THAT?!

[Everyone else shrugs]

> >

“Oh crud... I forgot about that bet. Man, I hope she doesn’t remember.”

Kathleen was still beaming with an almost patronizing smile as she tossed a glance toward the troika.

> Sarah: What kind of a name is ‘Troika’?

> Jarred: Well, this persons’, obviously.

> Adam: ......

> David: You said it.

David: Not sure what he said, but he said it.

Adam: .....

David: ...oh.

> >The shortest of the three grimaced in response.

“Uh-oh, I don’t like that look in her eyes.”

The tallest one groaned accordingly. “Jeepers... a hundred gil, down the drain, just like that.”

> Jarred: A hundred gil? That’s not much.

> David: Yeah, you can’t buy much with a hundred mil’ these days.

> Jarred: David? It’s gil, not dollars.

> David: Oops, my bad.

> >

They were still sulking when she finally emerged from the portal leading from the training chamber. Still flashing the snide smirk, Kathleen approached the three with one hand held open. Parjay Elliot tried to stifle an amused smile.

“Alright, you macho jerks. Pay up.”

“Would you take a rain check?”

> Sarah(Kathleen): Hmm... let’s see... It’s not raining.

Jarred: She obviously doesn’t know what a rain check is.

[Once again, Sarah whacks Jarred on the back of the head and disappears]

Jarred: WHAT, THE HELL, IS GOING ON?!

Voice: I think she’s broken into the plot hole vault.

Corey: Or mastered hammerspace.

> >Replied the tallest one with dark brown hair and a very visible cleft chin. “I just lost a card game to Taylor yesterday.”

“No way, Nevyn! I’m going shopping tonight so that means I’ll have to take my money off your hands now.”

> Jarred: Yep, it’s all about the shopping.

> Sarah: No, it’s all about the shoes.

> Jessica: And the hair.

> Rachel: And the sugar.

Corey: And the coke.

David: And the beer.

> >

“That’s Mr. Kuzanimura to you.” Nevyn Kuzanimura moaned faintly. “So much for my lunch money. Why can’t we earn salary like the SeeDs? It’s not like we’re that far behind them skill-wise.”

“That, my friend,” Parjay began to say, “is because clients hire only SeeDs. They don’t hire the Silver Star Elite for missions. How many times do I have to explain that?” He went on before turning to the lad wearing red overalls. “By the way, Guy. Congratulations for making it through the initiations.”

“Piece of cake.” Said Guy Johannsen, one of the newest inductees to the Silver Star Elite club. “I can’t believe how easy that qualifying exam is. Like, it was almost a no-brainer. Like that first item asking about the history of the SSE. What kind of idiot would miss a question like that?”

“Oh really?” Kathleen shot back. “Okay Mr. fifteen year old genius who had just slept with a porcupine-agitated elephant,

> All: ......

Corey: ...what?!

> >how did you answer that question?”

Guy looked back at Kathleen as though she had just insulted him. “Trying to undermine my intelligence, huh? Okay. The Silver Star Elite had seen four incarnations, mainly as an informal group of SeeD candidates who band together to further hone their battle skills prior to the field exams. All of these past teams disbanded because the membership eventually lose interest once they become SeeDs. The present one, which is our team, was formed almost two years ago as an indirect result of the battle between B-Garden and G-Garden. Back then, we almost lost the battle because most of the SeeDs were sent away during that skirmish involving our mysterious Garden Master NORG, who, surprisingly, no one of us had actually seen. In reaction to that series of events, our much revered ‘Star Supreme’ Aerisca Skye, who spearheaded the formation of the first SSE, hatched an idea of a back-up force should another turbulent event arose and SeeDs were not available. Initially, she was able to convince only three students who happened to be SeeDs themselves: Johnny Castillo, Ming-Xia Shinkou, and that rich kid Anakin Solo,

> Jarred: What, you mean Darth Vader?

Corey: No, that was Anakin Skywalker.

Jarred: Whatever.

> David: Obviously. But what’s he doing in Final Fantasy?

> Jessica: Getting a second job to pay off the drug money.

Corey: (Darth Vader) Luke, I am your mother.

David: (Luke Skywalker) NOO...wait, mother? You’ve been smoking pot again, haven’t you?

Corey: (Darth Vader) I have? Whoah! No wonder the Death Star’s so colourful, heheh heh.

> >who also happens to own this cool mansion. And since then, SSE has grown to the current roster it has now. Aerisca has been tirelessly campaigning for SSE’s official recognition as B-Garden’s SeeD auxiliary force, but up to now those insufferable members of the Garden Advisory Council still refused to give her the nod. So as it is, we’re still tagged as the unofficial team, a club, or a school fraternity, and has yet to prove our worth even though some instructors, particularly Miss Trepe, are convinced that we’re more than competent enough to hold our own.”

> All: And breathe.

All but Adam: [gasp phew]

> >

“You left out one thing.” Nevyn interjected. “Where did Aerisca get the idea of the Silver Star name?”

“From a video game.”

Corey: Which one?

> All: ......

> >Guy answered. “Satisfied?”

Corey: No, I want my money back!

>

“Very good.” Kathleen returned approvingly. “Do you know that candidates automatically flunk the exam if they fail to answer that question?”

Jarred: Oh well, I don’t wanna join.

>

“What...? Really?”

“It’s true.” Attested Parjay. “I don’t believe it’s an egocentric knack, but to be a SSE, you need to learn its history first.”

“Damn...” The rookie exclaimed. “And to think I didn’t take that item seriously. It’s unfair! Why didn’t they warn us about it?”

“Hah!” Nevyn hollered. “We may not be SeeDs, bud. But that doesn’t mean we should just allow everyone to enter the club without doing their homework first. That ‘Elite’ part wasn’t there for nothing, you know.”

> David(Nevyn): Well, actually, yes... it was. Never mind.

David: They just didn’t think they needed to change it to 1337

> >

“I thought it was the field initiation that determines qualification.”

“Yeah, that too. It all goes together to determine which ones deserve to be admitted.” Kathleen began to explain. “You see, we have to project the impression that it’s not easy to enter the SSE. It heightens the prestigious image of the club.”

“Yeah, sure. That’s typical.” Guy derided before clutching his stomach. “Listen, all this talk is making me hungry. What say we dig up something in the kitchen.”

Corey: Because the kitchen isn’t the place for digging.

Jarred: and you didn’t actually ask, judging be the lack of a question mark.

>

“Anakin calls it a galley.” Parjay interrupted. “He has always seen himself the strict military type. He calls rooms quarters, kitchens galleys, dining rooms mess halls, bath tubs submarines...

Corey: Submarines?!

> Jarred (Doctor Evil): I like my Submarine. It’s long, hard, and full of seamen.

> (others back away)

> Jarred: What?

Corey: It’s badong, that’s what!

> >He even wants to set up an obstacle course around the room where he kept his ‘Girl Next Door’ collection.”

> David: I want that collection!

> (Jessica punches him on the head)

David: It’s effective, that. Instead of wanting that collection, I wanted an icepack.

> >

“Whatever. Come on, let’s eat!”

“Come-on-let’s-eat my shiny white behind!” Kathleen suddenly blurted out.

Corey: ...nnah, I’ll just have some chicken.

> Jarred, David: Can we?!

> (Jessica and Sarah smack them on the backs of the heads)

> Jarred, David: Oww...

Jarred and David: But it looks so tasty.

[Sarah and Jessica hit Jarred and David, respectively, on the back of the head and disappear]

OW!!!

Corey: Looks like she brought a friend.

David: (Annoyed) Terrific.

> >Nevyn smiled naughtily

Corey: ARGH! FORUM SMILEY!

> Jarred: Wow, this is the best fic ever! It even has smiley faces in it!

> >

“That I’d like to see.”

“You perv!”

> Jessica(Kathleen): No one insults the great Kathleen! Wa-tak!

> (Others cower)

> Jessica: Too much Asuka?

> (Others nod)

Corey: Personally, I think one episode of Asuka is too much.

Jarred, David...and even Adam (WTF?!): Agreed.

> >She shot back at him

Jarred: (Nevyn) Ow, it’s lodged in my shoulder!

before turning to the diminutive Guy.

“Hold it, Guy! Aren’t you forgetting something?” Kathleen called while holding her hand up again. “P-A-Y U-P!”

David: (Guy) She can spell! RUN!!!

“Hehe... can’t blame a guy for trying...”

> Jessica(Kathleen): Yes I can! Now go to your room!

> Sarah (Nevyn): But didn’t you want him to pay up?

> Jessica: ......

David: Hah! Take that!

[Jessica whacks David on the back of the head and disappears]

...ok, this is getting ridiculous!

> >He sheepishly retorted while reaching into his pocket. Receiving the money with a wide smile, Kathleen didn’t hear Guy murmuring as he walked away with Parjay and Nevyn.”

“Heh heh. I hope Kathleen likes funny money.”

> Jarred: ‘Funny money’? I don’t like the implications of that.

> >

“GUY!!!”

> David: He slipped her the Monopoly money, I see.

> >

“Oops, guess not.” He said before running away.

----------

Meet the members of the Silver Star Elite:

Corey: [whining] Do we have toooo?

>

Name: SKYE, AERISCA

> Jarred: Oh, come on! That’s a cheap rip-off of Yunalesca!

Corey: of who, now?

Jarred: Yunalesca! You know...

Corey: ...um...no, I don’t.

Jarred: That’s because you suck.

Corey: Shutup!

> >
Level: Star Supreme (level A)
Origin: Balamb
Height: 5’4” Weight: 95 lbs
Eyes: Green Hair: Black
Specialty: Five-point magic attack
Weapon of Choice: Tiger Staff
Getting to know her...
Aerisca’s a very nice girl. I like her a lot. Not as much as you-know-who,

> David: But what if we don’t know who?

> Jarred: Yeah. Like us.

Jarred: ...I made no sense...joh?

> >but she’s still very likable. But she can be quite stern at times especially whenever we talk about the SSE’s campaign for recognition. I don’t blame her, though. Aerisca has been working real hard for that. I think it’s admirable, but I’m also afraid she’s becoming too engrossed with it that sometimes she forgets about her duties as a SeeD. I just hope I can watch her back.

> David: Literally! (SMACK!) Oww!

David: I don’t have to tell you who did that.

> >

Name: SHINKUO, MING-XIA
Level: Star Senior (level A)
Origin: Trabia
Height: 5’7” Weight: 105 lbs
Eyes: Green Hair: Purple
Specialty: Deception by Illusion
Weapon of Choice: Twin Batons
Getting to know her...
Ming is sweetness incarnate. I can’t avoid smiling whenever she’s around. But sometimes I think she’s becoming too sweet for her own good.

Adam: Like Rachel.

A lot of the guys are mistaking this for something else, like they think she likes them in a different way whenever she gets close. Of course it’s not true. She’s just sweet that way. Another one who’s back I need to watch. Not literally, of course

David: I’ll do that.

[Jessica whack David in the back of the head and disappears]

...I’ve got to stop doing that.

> (Jessica scowls at the cinema).

> Jessica: Load the missile launcher...!

Jarred: I wonder why she didn’t stay for that.

> >

Name: ELLIOT, PARJAY
Level: Star Intermediate (level 9)
Origin: Winhill
Height: 5’10” Weight: 145 lbs
Eyes: Red Hair: Black
Specialty: Transformation
Weapon of Choice: Death Sentence (rifle)
Getting to know him...
Parjay’s an OK guy. But he spooks me for some reason. Like he’s got some kind of a dark side. Even his limit break is creepy. He likes to take long walks at night. I find that very suspicious.

Jarred: Like Adam.

Adam:.....

Jarred: There was no point.

> All: Oh yeah... Veeeeery suspicous...

Corey: ...yeah...

> >

Name: DENDAR, ALEX
Level: Star Junior (level 6)
Origin: Balamb
Height: 5’11” Weight: 154 lbs
Eyes: Brown Hair: Blonde
Specialty: Matrix Flank attack
Weapon of Choice: Pulse Machine Pistol
Getting to know him...
Alex needs to get out of his lab sometimes.

> Jarred (Alex): Hmm, maybe it’s time I moved out of my cave...

Corey: Not funny.

Jarred: Who said it was meant to be?

Corey: ...touché.

> >At least he’s dedicated enough to attend SSE social functions. But he needs to go out more often. He’s too engrossed with his electronic playthings.

Corey: Why couldn’t you have said gizmos?

>

Name: CASTILLO, JOHNNY
Level: Star Senior (level A)
Origin: Galbadia
Height: 5’8” Weight: 133 lbs
Eyes: Brown Hair: Black
Specialty: The Unseen Cut
Weapon of Choice: Head Hunter (katana)
Getting to know him...
He’s our answer to Irvine Kinneas.

Jarred: Oh please, GOD no! Not another one!!!

> Jarred: Oh please, GOD no! Not another one!!!

Jarred: Oh, I already said it.

Corey: So, you’re saying he’s a hat wearing, ladies-man coward with a shotgun?

> >The only difference between the two of them is Johnny seems to be a lot more sensitive.

> David: That, and the fact that Irvine uses a shotgun, whilst Johnny here uses a Katana.

> >Unlike Irvine, he tends to take his relationships quite seriously.

Corey: Whereas Irvine is a selfish bastard who likes a hump.

>

Name: JOHANNSEN, GUY

Corey: What kind of parent names their son “Guy”?

Jarred: One without a vocabulary.

>
Level: Star Junior (level 3)
Origin: Timber
Height: 5’5” Weight: 127 lbs
Eyes: Blue Hair: Brown
Specialty: Drunken Shadow Dance

Jarred: Reminds me of that Jackie Chan movie...

>
Weapon of Choice: Red Rose (double-edged blade)
Getting to know him...
Guy is one of the two new guys. They say he’s a genius. His I.Q. rates at over 200. He scares me. I better stay away from him

Corey: Yeah. 100 I.Q. more and he’d be Ivo Robotnik.

>

Name: KUZANIMURA, NEVYN
Level: Star Intermediate (level 7)
Origin: Timber
Height: 6’1” Weight: 142 lbs
Eyes: Green Hair: Brown
Specialty: Fireball
Weapon of Choice: Blade Gauntlet
Getting to know him...
Nevyn has a fixation for fighting games. I could never beat him in KOF. But he’s putty when it comes to DOA

> Jarred: Heh... that’s strange...

> David: Bet they suck at Tekken, though.

> Jarred: Obviously.

Corey: Or Street Fighter...or Mortal Kombat.

Jarred: Or Virtual Fighter.

> >

Name: MISHIMA, KATHLEEN
Level: Star Intermediate (level 8)
Origin: Winhill
Height: 5’5” Weight: 104 lbs
Eyes: Blue Hair: Auburn
Specialty: Showdown
Weapon of Choice: None
Getting to know her...
A stickler for unarmed combat, Kathleen claims she can give Zell Dincht a run for his money.

Corey: More like hotdogs.

David: Ba-doom-tish!

> She’s very good, but I don’t think she’s that good. But she’s one hell of a looker, though

Corey: You would say that, wouldn’t you?

> Sarah: Just as long as she’s not a hooker.

Jarred: That’s always good.

> >

Name: SOLO, ANAKIN

> David: Also known as Vader, Darth.

> Jarred (Scott Evil): Sure thing, Darth.

Corey: Once again, you’re thinking of Anakin Skywalker!

David: Oh, who cares?

Corey: ...good point.

> >
Level: Star Senior (level A)
Origin: Galbadia
Height: 5’9” Weight: 148 lbs
Eyes: Brown Hair: Brown
Specialty: The Forced
Weapon of Choice: Light Saber

All: Figures.

>
Getting to know him...
ME. Nuff said.

Corey: NO, I’M ME!

Jarred: nuff said? What, the hell, are you?!

> Sarah: He’s got Chronic Fatigue? Poor fella.

> Jarred: What’s that?

> Sarah: A condition that basically drains all your energy and ultimately steals your life from you.

> Jarred: Oh. That sucks.

> David: But, doesn’t his profile indicate that he’s the embodiment of ME?

> Jessica: Maybe he just made the mistake of buying Windows ME.

> Jarred: What’s so bad about that?

> Jessica: It ain’t got nothin’ on XP.

> Jarred: I didn’t expect you to be such a computer buff.

> Sarah: And you didn’t expect me to be an internet and video game designer, but here I am, making websites and video games as a living, and having my ‘m4d ski77z’ worshipped by you.

Corey: What are you, Arashi Cordiv? Or Largo?

> Jarred: Point taken.

> Jessica: Besides, everyone’s got a computer these days.

> David: But wouldn’t Windows ME and XP be outdated these days, seeings as how they’re almost 60 years old?

> Jarred: Point taken also.

Corey: You didn’t actually take those points, did you?

Jarred: ...no ma’am.

[Corey throws a pillow at Jarred]

> >

Name: NIMMERMAN, CRYSTY
Level: Star Senior (level 10)
Origin: Galbadia
Height: 5’3” Weight: 90 lbs
Eyes: Black Hair: Black
Specialty: Speed
Weapon of Choice: Crescent Blades
Getting to know her...
I’ve known Crysty since we were both 6 years old. Actually, we were Rinoa’s classmates in grade school. Crysty is cute in a haunting way... like she possesses this mysterious trait that makes her attractive. That is probably why she’s so popular.

Corey: That or the fact that she gives BJs to all the guys.

[Everyone else stare at Corey will looks of annoyance on their faces]

...probably the former.

> Jarred: Uh... huh...

> >

Name: KALIJAN, DEJAMIR
Level: Star Junior (level 3)
Origin: Trabia
Height: 5’11” Weight: 156 lbs
Eyes: Blue Hair: Blonde
Specialty: A Thousand Cuts
Weapon of Choice: Stiletto Daggers
Getting to know him...
The other new guy in the SSE. I don’t know much about him except that he seems to be a plant lover. At the least, I know about the cactus plant he keeps in his quarters. He talks to them too. I could have sworn sometimes that I hear them talking back.

Corey: Second sign.

Jarred: Wha?

Corey: Madness. The first sign of madness is talking to yourself.

Jarred: And the second.

Corey: Talking back...hmm...hold that thought.

> David: The first sign of insanity is talking to yourself.

> Jarred: And the last is when you answer back.

Jarred: I seem to have already done so.

> >

Name: GEN, TAYLOR
Level: Star Junior (level 5)
Origin: Balamb
Height: 6’1” Weight: 153 lbs
Eyes: Brown Hair: Auburn
Specialty: Psychic Turbulence
Weapon of Choice: Battle Rod
Getting to know him...
Taylor is the thespian of the group.

> Jarred: Thespian?

> David: (shrugs)

> Jarred: Works for me.

> >He loves to act.

> David, Jarred: Ah.

Corey: I would have said that, but I felt it wasn’t worth my effort.

> >He’s very good at it. He said that someday, when he graduates he wishes to become a stage actor. He’s got a standing application with the Tantalus Stage Guild. Good luck to him, I say.

> Jarred: Yeah, especially considering this is FF8.

> David: Yeah. And he can help kidnap the princess while he’s at it.

Corey: Whatever.

> >

Name: TREBEK, ACE

> David: Sanchez, Ace.

> Jarred: Author, Fan Fic.

> (David gives him a funny look)

> Jarred: What? I’m just going with the flow.

Corey: You went off the falls, so to speak.

> >
Level: Star Junior (level 5)
Origin: Galbadia
Height: 5’3” Weight: 101 lbs
Eyes: Brown Hair: Ash Gray
Specialty: Riddle of Death
Weapon of Choice: Marble Grenades
Getting to know her...
Ace has this annoying habit of

> David: Writing very dark or very funny fan fictions.

Corey: ...I guess that’s annoying.

> >gathering us together for this ridiculous game of answer and question. But I find his overall knowledge of things quite impressive. He never goes anywhere without his pocket-sized electronic encyclopedia. I wonder why...

Corey: His real brain can’t store lots of information.

>

As she read through the SSE web page, Rinoa noticed something that made her eyes glare in surprise.

Corey: (Rinoa (Arbok, surprised)) CHAARRBOK!!

> Sarah (Rinoa): There’s no sauce on these hotdogs!

> David (Zell): HOTDOGS?! WHERE?!

> >She read again, focusing intently on Crysty Nimmerman’s entry before finally turning to the creator of the site.

> Jarred (Creator): Luke, I am your creator.

> David (Luke): What? Are you saying I’m a clone?

> Jarred (Creator): ...... (slaps forehead)

> >“Anakin...? We were classmates in grade school? Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

Anakin Solo, SeeD level 21 and founding member of

> Jarred: The Empire.

> David: The Death Star.

> Adam: The Stormtroopers.

> Jarred: The Aeris Right To Life Association.

> Jarlax (off-screen): Oi!

Corey: Oh, shutup, Ryan.

> >the Silver Star Elite, turned to Rinoa with that same fond look that he had always gazed at her with.

> David (Majin Buu): CANDY!!!!

David: [drools]

> >He glanced at the enormous

> David: Jugs on her chest.

> (Jessica whacks him over the head)

> David: Ow!

David: But they are...oh crap...

[Jessica gives David a wallop to the head and, like the last several times, disappears]

DAMN IT!

> >, 30 inch monitor momentarily

> (Jarred whistles appreciatively)

> David: I wouldn’t be glancing at it momentarily. I’d be watching my Nadesico marathon on it.

Corey: I’d be watching mine on it...not to mention my collection of Evangelion and Bubblegum Crisis: Tokyo 2040

> >before turning back to answer her question.

> David (Darth Vader): Luke, I am your father.

> Jarred: Wrong answer.

> David: So?

Jarred: You didn’t even give them a chance to ask the question.

David: So?

> >

“Hey, I’ve been training with junctions since I was thirteen, Rinoa.

> Rachel (Anakin): I can now get to the third level on Pong!

Corey: That’s nothing!

> >You know the trade-off to this thing. I totally forgot about it.” He said. “And I wouldn’t have remembered if Crysty hadn’t gone home last month to study her family history.”

“Oh, I see...” Rinoa trailed off.

She didn’t know that Anakin was lying. As the sorceress busily surfed through the rest of the site, she didn’t notice him staring at her with admiring eyes.

> Jarred: Was he staring at her, or just at her butt?

> David: You know, it’s impolite to stare.

David: You’ll get it in the end...literally! [rubs his sore backside]

> >The truth of the matter was Anakin had likewise forgotten a lot about his childhood as a result of GF junctioning. But when he saw her as she first set foot on Garden close to two years ago, the former Galbadian prodigy instantly remembered the girl who had been his first crush.

> Jarred: Damn first crushes.

> (Sarah glares at him.)

> Jarred: Eep!

Jarred: She’s not supposed to know about that!

Sarah: Know about what?

Jarred: AAAAAGH!!! [freezes]

David: ...he’ll be out for a while.

Sarah: ...ok, well, I’m outta here. Later. [disappears]

David: ...later...

> >And the moment he set eyes on her again, Anakin realized that his admiration for her had not faded.

“Remember how I used to fold up whenever our classmates teased me about you?” He braved a question that revealed his feelings for her. Rinoa didn’t budge, continuing to browse through the web pages as if she didn’t hear what he said.

But she was also smiling. Unknown to Anakin, Rinoa also remembered him.

> Jessica (Rinoa): Oh yeah, I remember you. You’re that drunken bum from the pub.

> Jarred (Ashura): Hey, I know you! Aren’t you that girl... um, Giraffe was it? From that Pokemon Wreck place?

> David (Ashura): I know! You’re that high-class call-girl we met near Vermillion, um... Duplica!

> (They slap each other five)

Corey: Pokemon Wreck? Wait...that was supposed to be Pokemon Tech, wasn’t it (I remember Pokemon Master)? Um...who was it...um...uhh...

Jarred and David: Giselle.

Corey: That’s the one!

> >She just kept it hidden from him all this time because she felt uncomfortable at the time. Add to that the budding romance between her and Squall, and Rinoa subsequently decided to forego the recollection until such a time when she thought it wouldn’t pose her a problem anymore.

> Rachel: Just shove it under the bed. I’ll deal with it later.

> Sarah: But don’t you know what happens when you don’t clean under your bed?

> Rachel: What? What happens?

> Sarah: A gateway to Hell is created, that’s what.

Corey: ...I didn’t know that...I must have created one several times, by now.

> >

Those last words that Anakin uttered made her realize that he still regarded her with the same feelings that he did as a child. But surprisingly, she felt delighted. Though for obvious reasons, Rinoa chose to likewise hide her delight.

Corey: If they’re so obvious, why don’t I see them?

Jarred: Because you’re an idiot.

Corey: How did I know you were going to say that?

David: Squall.

Corey: ...oh right.

Jarred: It’s obvious to anyone who’s played VIII

Corey: Well, he should’ve said that!

>

On the other hand, Anakin regretted his bold words, thinking that Rinoa might have started to feel uneasy because of that. He then decided to change the subject.

“You know, it’s quite gracious of Squall to let you come here with us. I have to remember to thank him for that.” He stated. “Oh, and thank you, too, for agreeing to come as the guest of honor of our induction rites. It really means a lot to us.”

> David: Yeah, make your move, man!

Corey: You can try...

> >

“No problem,” Rinoa answered, twirling around to face Anakin. “I’ve always been intrigued about the SSE. I’ve been hearing a lot of good things about you.”

“Yeah, sure. You can try to act impressed all you want but it won’t fool me. I’m a SeeD like you, okay?”

“It’s true!” Rinoa insisted. “I really want to know more about your club. Why do you think I agreed to come here to your place?

> Jarred (Anakin): Damn, I just thought you wanted to give me some poo-tang.

> Sarah: Poo-tang?

> Jarred: Never mind.

Corey: You disgust me.

Jarred: I disgust a lot of people, what’s your point?

[PUNCH!]

[Adam slams his fist into Jarred’s abdomen]

Adam: That’s for disgusting me.

Corey: ...WHOAH! You must be really disgusting.

Jarred [reeling in pain]: Shutup!

> >Who knows? I might just end up joining you some day.” She added while smiling sweetly.

> David (Largo): ARGH! T3h 3vi7 0n3 is tryin6 7o brain-wash you with h3r 3vi7 charms! Run Piro!

Corey: (Piro) You’re an idiot.

> >

Anakin thought his heart stopped beating. “God she’s so cute...” He uttered in his mind, struggling hard to maintain his composure.

> Jarred: While ‘readjusting’.

> >

But it was getting harder by the second.

> (All try to suppress snickers)

David: They took them from me...!

Corey: I thought they were Mars Bars.

David: ...shutup.

> >Especially since Rinoa even agreed to come with him in his own room. Anakin thought it pathetic, he never swooned like this over anybody before. Yes, he had to accept that his crush for Rinoa was indeed that strong as to survive the many years of not seeing her. But that was quite all right. It does happen to a lot of guys. But wishing that he were a swivel chair when Rinoa sat on the one by the computer table had to be pitiful.

> Jarred, David: You bet!

Corey: (Disco Stu)...mmm, I’ll agree.

Jarred: (Kent Brockman) Circle gets the square. Goodnight, everybody!

> >

“Oh, by the way,” She abruptly voiced out, “can I use your phone? I just need to check in with Squall.”

“Sure thing.” He curtly replied, shaking off the pang of jealousy that he had become accustomed to.

Corey: Pang?

>

As Rinoa talked on the phone, the young millionaire left the room to get some refreshments for them.

> Jarred: He went to the kitchen to fetch some ice, to cool off his ‘lightsaber’.

Corey: Ew, that’s badong.

Jarred: WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT?!

Corey:...no.

> >He traversed the distance going to the kitchen (or the galley, as he liked to call it)

> (David falls off his chair)

David: Slippery, again.

> >with nary a thought of what he was doing, his mind still fixated on Rinoa. He didn’t even notice the mess left behind by his SSE colleagues who earlier ravaged the kitchen in search for snacks. He came, took two chilled bottles of Four Seasons, and left, still thinking about Rinoa.

Corey: Four Seasons? Isn’t that a hotel?

>

When he came back, Anakin became perplexed by the sorceress’ somewhat confused expression. He noticed that she had finished talking on the phone.

> Sarah (Rinoa): Okay, bye.

> Rachel (Squall): Bye.

> Sarah (Rinoa): See ya.

> Rachel (Squall): See ya.

> Sarah (Rinoa): Okay, I mean it. I’m gonna hang up the phone now.

> Rachel (Squall): On the count of three.

> >

“What’s the matter?” He asked.

> Jarred: And is it dark?

> David: Dark?

> Jarred: Dark Matter?

> David: What’s that?

> Jarred: There’s always a Dark Matter in every Final Fantasy. No FF is complete without it.

> Sarah: I thought that was Chocobo’s?

> Jarred: Them too.

> Jessica: What about Cid?

> Rachel: Or an airship?

> David: Or a ditzy wannabe following the group around who gets no respect?

> Sarah: What about a world map?

> Jessica: Or Cactaurs?

> Rachel: Or Ifrit?

> David: Or Shiva?

> Sarah: Or Ramuh?

Corey: VIII didn’t have him.

> Jessica: Or Leviathan?

> Rachel: Or Bahamut?

> David: Or the Float spell?

> Sarah: Or the Exit spell?

> Jessica: Or the main character being a pathetic looser-wannabe with a sword?

Corey: That’s not a very nice thing to say about Squall...or Cloud.

> Rachel: And a cheesy villain?

Jarred: For VII, she must mean the Turks, because hell-damn-fart, it definitely wasn’t Sephiroth!

> Adam: People, people... you’re all forgetting the most important element of any Final Fantasy; the one, single, most defining feature that makes this series of RPG’s what it is.

> Jarred: And what might that be?

> Adam: Moogles, of course.

> (others fall silent, and return to watching the fic)

Jarred: Adam has that effect on people.

Adam: .....

[everyon falls silent]

> >“Don’t tell me you got into an argument with Squall.”

> Jarred: Yeah, I can really see that happening.

> Sarah (Rinoa): Squall, did you do the dishes?

> Jarred (Squall): ....

> Sarah (Rinoa): Squall! Take the rubbish out!

> Jarred (Squall): ....

> Sarah (Rinoa): Squall! Are you ignoring me? Speak, dammit!

> Jarred (Squall): ...Whatever...

Corey: Sounds pretty accurate, to me.

> >

“No, it’s not that.” Rinoa said.

“What? He wasn’t there?”

“He was there.” She returned. “But... there was something strange with Squall. With the way he spoke.”

Anakin grew curious. Whatever was happening between Squall and Rinoa wasn’t his business, and he knew this. But he still couldn’t avoid feeling curious. This was, after all, Rinoa. It had been his life’s calling to be curious about her affairs. He tossed her a questioning look, prompting the sorceress SeeD to try and explain her bafflement.

“I know I was talking to Squall.” Rinoa started. “It was his voice. I know his voice. But somehow... the way he talked... it’s like I was talking to... Selphie...”

All but Adam: AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

> ALL: NO WAY!!!!!!!!!

All but Adam: RUN FOR YOUR DAMN LIVES!!!

> >

To Be Continued

Corey: (Norbert) NOOOOOOOOO!!!

> [The fic ends]

All: Yay!

> Stiriox: Reviews, please.

Corey: ...Oh wait...we’ll have to review this won’t we?

Voice: ...

Corey: ...well?!

Voice: ......oh, you can’t see me nodding, can you? In that case...yes.

> David: I’ll go first. ...wow... just.... Wow. That was... different.

David: It brings a tear to the eye.

Jarred: The fic?

David: No, cutting onions.

Jarred: ...well, that’s true...

> Stiriox: How so?

> David: Well for starters, it wasn’t crap.

Corey: Are you sure?

David: Well, I didn’t see any sign of shit, anywhere.

Corey: ...are you sure?

Second, it was actually good, for a chance.

Corey: Or ‘change’, even.

David: That’s what I meant to say.

Not the usual crap we have to put up with.

> Jarred: I’ll drink to that.

> David: Amen. Also, there was no noticeable spelling errors that I picked up, which is always refreshing.

David: Not as refreshing as a coke, but still refreshing, nonetheless.

> Jessica: Precisely. I also noticed that the plot to that was actually pretty funny. Well written, well planned, well made. All round, it was pretty damn good. And hilarious to boot.

David: And she boots pretty hard. [rubs his sore backside]

> Sarah: Although that was just cruel what they did to Squall.

> Jarred: Very. Although, I kinda saw that coming, in a strange contorted way. I don’t know how or why, but somehow I kept thinking what it would be like if one day, in the game or in a fic, Squall turned completely fruity and became a complete and utter ditz. It’s just scary to image what it would be like, and even scarier to see it ACTUALLY HAPPEN. I never thought I’d live to see the day.

> Sarah: Yeah, what he said.

> Jessica: I agree with the alien that thought it was cruel to inject that particular E.I. shell into their victims. Inhumane, even for universe-conquering aliens.

> Stiriox: I see...

> Jarred: Can we go yet?

> Stiriox: Um... sure...

> [Jarred walks over to the computer and rummages through some files and folders, before finding what he’s looking for. He then saves it to a floppy disk, and shuts down the computer.]

> David: What’re you getting?

> Jarred: The fic. I’m keeping this one for myself!

> David: That good, eh?

> Jarred: (walking out the door) Hell yeah. Now, I know I had a trophy around here somewhere... gotta give this one an award or something...

Corey: But you didn’t keep “Shinji The Casanova”, did you?

Jarred: But that fic is so hard to find!

Corey: Hey, I’ve got a copy of it, I could give it to you.

Jarred: Really?! SWEET!

> [The rest leave.]

> Stiriox: Well, that was... well, peaceful. Somehow, I don’t feel like dominating the universe anymore. Must be those E.I. shell thingies. That was just cruel, even by my standards...

Jarred: ...that was unexpected.

Corey: ...this copy hasn’t been edited. My name should be there, somewhere.

David: Why?

Corey: Because I OWN YOU!

David: ...Now, that just sounds so badong.

Jarred: Oh god, not you, too!

> Stinger:

Corey: Ow, watch it with that thing.

> Now, the invaders had to contend with the result of their oversight: a SeeD sorceress, the members of the self-styled Balamb Garden Silver Star Elite, four crack operatives from the Esthar Army, two overachieving Galbadian officers, and... a movie critic.

Final Fantasy VIII
SUBSTITUTE SAVIORS
(FFWA Edition)

The fate of the world hangs in the balance... as usual.

> Stinger 2:

> “I know I was talking to Squall.” Rinoa started. “It was his voice. I know his voice. But somehow... the way he talked... it’s like I was talking to... Selphie...”

Corey: I wonder why he doesn’t include his MSTing in the stingers?

[The TV turns off]

[David stands up and stretches his arms above him]

David: eeeeer, well, that was a suck-load of suck.

Jarred: Yeah, it was bad enough riffing the fic...not a bad fic, though.

David: Agreed. Let’s get out of here.

Voice: Hold it! Reviews?

Jarred: No way! I already reviewed the fic, and I see no point in reviewing my riffing of it.

David: Ditto.

[Adam writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Jarred]

Jarred: [reading] I didn’t review the damn fic before, I’m damned not going to do it, now!

Voice: ...Alright, everyone may go. [The front door opens]

[Jarred, David and Adam leave]

[Corey goes to leave]

Voice: Except you, Corey!

Corey: What?! Why?

Voice: I have some important things to discuss.

Corey: If it’s about the porn stash, I don’t know how it got there. Honest!

Voice: What?...NO! It’s not that. Listen. I will forgo your review this time, ok?

Corey: Ok. Can I go now?

Voice: No, let me continue. Take a seat.

[Corey takes a seat, the place he was sitting earlier.

Voice: Look. How long has it been since we started this thing?

Corey: Um...3 months...6 months...

Voice: It has been over a year!

Corey: And I still haven’t gotten my first pay check...

Voice: QUIET! Now, look, you all seem to act all hard-done-by. You think this is easy for me? Well it’s NOT!

Corey: Then why do it?

Voice: Because I enjoy it. It may be hard work, but it’s worth it.

Corey: Maybe, for you, but it’s hell, for us.

Voice: Alright, alright...I’ll try to get some good fics. Ok?

Corey: ...well, I guess that’s a start.

Voice: Ok, then. Maybe I’ll get some more people in, so you don’t have to do it as much.

Corey: That’s all well and good, but that would decrease the pay we each get...or, rather, should get.

Voice: Alright, I’ll send your payment to you...you’ll get a salary, for all the ones you’ve each done. Ok? And it will be a fair amount, each, too.

Corey: Well, good. Can I go now?

Voice: Well, ok, but first...I seem to have someone here who wants to see you.

The Voice Of The Author Of Supertron (a.k.a. Dan): Hey!

Corey: That voice...uh oh.

Dan: Relax, I don’t mind about that stuff you said about me. It’s just an MST, after all.

Corey: True. So, what’re you doing here?

Dan: Well, it’s the first birthday special. I thought we’d drop by.

Corey: We?

GF (a.k.a. Ryan): Yeah, “We”.

Corey: Oh, hey Ryan.

Ryan: Hey.

Corey: Well, I was just about to go...

Dan: Hold it, we’ll be right down.

[Suddenly, Dan and Ryan (Descriptions not disclosed) came from the kitchen]

Dan: So...what do you suppose we do?

Corey: I dunno, what do you suggest?

Dan: I say we go to the pub and get a few drinks. We are 18, after all.

Corey: But Ryan’s not.

Ryan: Actually, through plot contrivances...or similar, I’m actually 3 years older, here, than I should be in real life.

Corey: Oh...well, in that case, it sounds like a plan to me.

Dan: Indeed. A Gnodab plan.

Corey and Ryan: ...yeah...

[Corey, Ryan and Dan leave]

[The lights Dim]

Voice: Great. I only assigned four people. Now I have to pay four more! ...I hate specials.

WEBSITES AND E-MAILS

Coramaximus – Corey “Cozza” Sinclair:

Website: http://www.geocities.com/SSJ2GohanSupreme

Email: coramaximus@hotmail.com

Daniel “Silent Dan” Ferguson

Website: http://weirdhouse.angelcities.com

Email: jerivar@handyhamster.com

Ryan “Goldfish” Ferguson

Email: goldfishpoodleboy@handyhamster.com

---

Note from the Maximus Demon™...which is still ME, last I checked:

Well, I’ve done number 11. It’s a big special...mostly it celebrates the Maximus Theatre’s first birthday and Christmas. Not much to say, other than that. Happy <insert event/holiday here> everyone! Smell ya later.

CRSinclair

C. Sinclair – Author, and owner of

Coramaximus